Her

The Most Depressing Moments

My Unheard Thoughts

That night, I sat. I sat and could only think about what would happen next. Every minute, the clocked circled further. Endlessly counting the hours down until I had to let you go again.
Again.
I didn't want to wait any longer. I wanted to have you at all times. If I could eventually grow so used to you being there that I wouldn't even think about it anymore, then my life would be complete.
This time was harder, yet easier than others. We'd see each other again, that was a given. But I was extremely afraid of the chaos we'd find us in.
I sat on my chair, thinking about how you always tell me that it's going to be okay. How I held you the night before. How you held me on the couch when my head was running wild with thoughts. How we shivered in the cold. I packed your bags, maybe not as good as you'd like them to be, but I thought you could use a little help. You were sleeping very peacefully with panda the plushie in your arms. I hope our final night together was a good one for you, but I sure as hell was going to spend loads of minutes sitting around and doing nothing but typing, thinking, crying, and walking around.

I walked over to you when you seemed to be a bit uneasy. You threw your blankets off, turned like a washing machine, made quite angry noises, and clenched onto Panda all while being asleep. I kissed your cheek and whispered that it was going to be okay. You turned toward me, still dead asleep, got out a sigh of relief, and held my hand. I love you.
A little later, I got back to my chair. I started thinking about the next night. How empty my bed would seem without having you in it. I've had you in it for the past eight nights, and three weeks before that I was in yours for about five. I've grown funnily used to sleeping with you, even if it's for a short amount of time. We've lived with each other for a little while now. And if it's gonna go the way it's going right now when we find a place together, then I know two things for sure.
Firstly, I'll be the happiest man on this damn planet, having a woman that loves unconditionally, even when in distress.
Secondly, I'll be broke as shit.

I keep looking at the clock, wishing it would just stop ticking. I wish I could control time so that I could stop it, wake you up from your sleep, run around the world together, do everything we want to do, and go back without a minute having passed. I know this is impossible, for I'm a mere human living in this world in which my existence is inevitably irrelevant to the future, as we're simply an eye blink away from being forgotten.
But even with that thought in mind, in my head, this meaningless existence would simply be meaning less without you.

Isn't that what we all want? Someone to help us through our darkest times and spending our entire future with them because we believe they are the person we've been waiting for all this time?
That person is her. You. You're her. Though I have to let you go again.
Again.
Again tears are building up in my eyes, just waiting to fall out. Again breathing becomes harder to do, knowing what awaits me at the end of the day. Again I'm sad because I'll be sleeping alone once more. Again I'm afraid this could be the last time I see you. Again.

Will people ever understand?
I know you do.
You understand these depressing moments. Moments before we split apart.
You understand.
You do.