❝spencer, all this week you've been holding my hands. what about your germ thing?❞
❝you were more important.❞
hazel finley is a liar. but she's a damn good one. and she's especially good at telling when other people are lying. she's the newest memb...
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❝Whosoever is delighted in solitude is either a wild beast or a god.❞
PLATO
✩
3.6 : scars
(tw: scars, mentions of abuse)
IT IS ALMOST MORNING. The curtains are shut. The lights are off. It is silent.
Fin lies in Spencer's arm on his couch, a blanket spread over them. Despite his arms around her, despite the warmth of him against her, she is still cold. She is numb. She still can't breathe.
In the bedroom down the hall, Lars is breathing peacefully. Spencer breathes softly, too, but Fin knows he's not asleep.
Lars left her phone at Nick's apartment. When she realized what was happening, she climbed out onto the fire escape and ran. She called a taxi. Went to Fin's apartment. Waited there until Fin and Spencer got there. They picked her up. Brought her back to Spencer's apartment.
Spencer gave her some clothes and she fell asleep in his bed almost immediately. No tears. No words. No emotion.
So Fin and Spencer took the sofa.
And here they lie. Fin's not fully sure where she ends and Spencer begins. Hands entwined, legs curled around his waist, her head on his chest, his free hand in her hair. They are knit together, bound by invisible rope, the kind that loops itself around your heart and holds fast.
And yet Fin is restless.
"Hazel," Spencer breathes after a long, terrifying silence. "Are you awake?"
"Yes."
He sighs into her hair. "God, Hazel..."
Fin knows what he means. She understands that it's a lot to process. She's surprised he hasn't run away. Surprised he hasn't said it's too much to handle.
Suddenly she can't breathe. She pushes him off of her, sits up. Spencer's eyes widen. "Hey, hey, hey." He touches her hand. "Are you okay?"
Fin shakes her head wordlessly.
Spencer is kind enough to leave space between them, but he squeezes her hand tightly.
Everything Fin wants to say tears at her throat, burns her eyes. She takes a shuddery breath and then says, as quietly as she can, "This is the part of me that's ugly, Spencer. No one's seen my scars in so long."
Spencer just watches her closely, his hand warm on hers.
"I–I don't blame you if you don't want–if you can't–"
"Shh." Spencer puts a finger to her lips softly, and then his hands come to the buttons of her shirt.
Fin inhales sharply, pushes his hands away. He looks up at her, eyes pleading and soft. "Trust me," he whispers. "Please."
Reluctantly, Fin allows him to undo the buttons of her shirt–his shirt–and slide it off of her shoulders, until she's sitting there in her bra. Until he can see all of the things Esther ever did to her.
Spencer just stares at her for a moment, all of her, and Fin dreads the moment he speaks, dreads what he might do next–
But he doesn't want sex.
He scoots closer to her and presses his fingers to her stomach lightly, tracing the longest scar. It runs from the bottom of her rib cage to her belly button, the tip of a knife drawing Esther's anger on her daughter's skin. Fin remembers that night. She broke a glass. Esther was on her third bottle of wine.
"You are beautiful here," Spencer whispers.
His fingers move to a tiny, raised scar, the memory of Esther's cigarette digging into her skin buried there. "You are beautiful here."
Another small scar on her hip bone, jagged from the glass Oliver pulled out of her skin. "You are beautiful here."
Spencer touches every scar he can see, and even the ones that have faded with time he touches with his words. "You are beautiful here."
Finally, he looks up at her and touches her face, fingers skating across her forehead, her chin, her lips, and he kisses her. "And you are beautiful here. Hazel Finley, you are beautiful to me. No scar can ever change that. I promise I will be here with you as long as you let me."
A sob bursts from Fin's throat. She covers her face with her hands and cries into them. Spencer gives her space, but he doesn't leave. He never leaves her side.
Sleep comes for the two of them, and Fin can finally rest. But her thoughts are still tormented by the ghost of the woman she thought she'd never see again.
Spencer's arm is around her waist.
His lips against her temple.
His heart beating next to hers.
Everything's all right for now.
~
thank y'all SO much for 37k reads AND 1k votes!!! (and 1k engaged readers, many many kisses)
i'm having a hard time deciding what episodes to include ughhhhhh. like especially the sequel, which is called [REDACTED] (you didn't think i was going to tell you, did you?), i don't know what to have and not to have.
