6/12/15
Okay, so, um...I saw a post today saying
"Life's too short to be: Sad, mad," Etc; blah blah blah, and the last word on there was depressed. I don't know why this bothers me...but it does. Is that bad?
I'm depressed, and I know it's something you just can't get rid of. I'm supposed to take antidepressants, but I don't. One, I absolutely hate the pills, and two, it's basically fake feelings, which I already have enough of, I don't need more.
At the same time, I'd love to get rid of that horrible feeling. There was a point where I took my antidepressants and it made it better, but that looming feeling was still there. It's always there. I can't get rid of it, we're bound together in chains.
I'm always laughing and smiling and saying and doing random things just so I don't hurt or worry anyone else. I know that if anyone in my school found out about how I cut, they'd make a big deal about it and I'd be more of an outcast then I am right now. I'm so fucking tired and sick of saying "I'm sorry" when I'm the one on the ground. I've been called countless names, and at this point I'm so numb it's like it doesn't effect me.
You know that feeling? It's the feeling where it feels like the words can't hurt you anymore. You think it's because it finally got better, when, in reality, it's not because it got better, it's just because you got used to it.
Depression eats you from the inside out until you're completely fucking gone and you don't even know who you are anymore. It can drive you insane, thinking about everything that's ever gone wrong in your life, and you start to blame yourself for it, too. Each morning you wake up in total despair, but you get ready and you put on your fake smile and you make sure your 'perfect' mask is at the ready, and you walk out the door for another long, hellish day just to start all over again the next morning.
And that's also the thing about other people, most times they don't notice your tears, your sadness, and they sure as hell don't seem to notice your pain, they just notice your mistakes. This is where Anxiety comes in. Depression causes you to be numb and you don't care about anything anymore, anxiety, on the other hand, causes you to over-think everything because you care too much. Having both is complete hell.
I've been okay lately, but that could change. I'll be alright, I always am.
Night.
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It's just my journal.
कथेतर साहित्यHello there, this is just my journal. It's really nothing special. I just a needed a place to vent, and some people can relate...so they like to read it. That's really all it is. It's kind of depressing and, well, there are some trigger warnings her...
