Coming out

In the beginning

I would just like to make it clear once again, if you don't like to read anything with the nature of homosexuality then please press that beautiful home button and never visit this story again, thank you. I will not tolerate any comments or hatred towards it because of its nature.

Hello! Well as this is completely based on my adventures of battling through the closet and finally getting out of it. I won't go into too much detail on myself. My name is James, I am 17 and I have been gay for as long as I can remember really.

I can't quite pinpoint the moment when I had interest in the same sex; I've had multiple conversations with my good friend Shannon about it and I'm sure that it was around year 9 when I actually looked at men as more than just friends. I myself didn't realize this but subconsciously I did when I look back at it now. I spent all of year 9 and year 10 really just being myself, I never considered the thought of me being gay and I didn't ever sit down and think about my sexuality. But, I think others did; my friends used to constantly ask me if I was gay and I just said no, I didn't believe I was so I simply disregarded the thought and continued as normal. Eventually I did start to consider the fact of maybe I was gay but quickly replaced it with the idea that I was camp (where one acts feminine but is actually straight). This is what I stuck by throughout both of them years and through most of year 11. When I look back now I still think about how I loved the idea of a bromance more than an average male did as I felt closer to the person I shared it with a lot more linked. When I finally came to the decision I was camp, or so I thought at the time I did feel a lot of nervousness and embarrassment - all of the male friends I had were masculine to an extent and I was the odd little duckling and felt a little miss placed for a while.

During high school, there was one friend that I always had by my side, Chris. He was a quiet person like myself and he was my friend for all the interests we shared. I could speak to him about anime, games, T.V shows and he would always relate and we could spend hours talking. Chris was quite a pudgy lad but I wouldn't call him fat, he had short brown hair with a fringe that went either to the left or right, depending on how he wanted it. His eyes were dark and he was around 5'6. I grew really close to Chris and he was one the one guys I called my best friend for year 7 and part of year 8. Despite how close I was with him, I didn't actually share a bromance, probably because in year 7 I had no idea what a bromance was. He stayed as one of my best friends throughout all of high school but I didn't feel any attraction towards him. I could look at guys in the higher years and subtly feel an attraction to them but I guess Chris just didn't fit my tailored needs in a man.

Around half way through year 8, I met a new friend that I was introduced to by my other friend Ben. Harry, a short lad with blazing orange curls for hair, his cheeks were home to many freckles and his face held a set of blueish green eyes. It is sort of a blur when I think back to how he became such a good friend of mine. After a while of talking and getting to know each other we had become quite the best of friends and I soon slotted him next to Chris as one of my best friends. As year 8 came to a close and year 9 started I began to feel a lot more comfortable with myself being labelled as camp, I could clearly see I acted feminine in comparison to all the other guys and I was okay with that, this was the person I am and there was no point in me not accepting it. I didn't go through any changes in year 9 really, just the usual subtle interest in desirable men but I would quickly disregard the thought as being weird and strange because although I didn't mind same sex relationships, I felt a bit strange picturing myself in that scenario. The usual, James are you gay? was still being tossed about among my friends.

Nothing happened during year 9 that really made me think about my sexuality to be honest. It wasn't until year 10 that I slightly felt a little compelled towards giving it a thought. By this point me and Harry were the best of friends and he was nerdy and geeky and was similar to Chris but more confident, less awkward and a lot less reclusive. However, this time it was different as I had created a little bromance with him; it was all a ton of a fun and for the laughs but deep down I was enjoying every minute of it as I felt a lot closer to him as a friend than I did to anyone else at that point. I felt warm and thrilled when he use to say love you baby. Despite feeling warm I would always think Wow I can't believe I'm actually hearing this from a dude, this is so weird haha. It was all a laugh and I felt so strange thinking about how something like this could actually happen for real between two men. Even though I felt strange thinking about it in that respect I did sometimes stop myself and just sit down for a few minutes and think about my sexuality. I would bring back all the abandoned thoughts of interest in boys in the higher years and my deep excitement for a bromance and actually ask myself Am I gay? Despite the constant questioning off friends and even myself I was still certain (to a degree) that I was straight.