Coming out

Painful aftermath

When I woke my pillow was quite chilled and it felt nice (who knew your own tears made a pillow feel so good!) I put on my best impression of 'me' so I didn't look out of the ordinary towards my dad and I survived my time while at home. As I exited the car at school my act did not, it remained sat in the seat and my weakened self shined through. I walked across the playground as every step felt a little heavy. My nerves were still on edge but slightly calmed as I didn't see Harry waiting to knock my lights out. I met up with Chris and somehow accumulated enough strength to tell him about what had happened. I kept a brave face but could feel tears close to falling from my eyes. I kept constant surveillance to see if Harry was coming and when he eventually did my Heart seemed to flee and raced to the back of my chest. I was locked in position as my emotions took a hold of me. I had worried all for nothing, he did nothing except ignore me which was expected. I calmed down and then kept close to Chris wherever I went.

Luckily I was now friends with a few people from B population. Waqar was my one friend that helped me so much during that period in my life. He was also quite short, black hair that was styled in a quiff. Deep and dark eye color and gleaming braces on his teeth. My thoughts had shifted in lesson to what will happen? Will we be friends? Please say something Harry and the one question that haunted my mind every day now Do you care this much because you like him beyond a friend? I still hadn't moved away from questioning my sexuality, in fact I questioned it even more so and in more depth. My emotions never did get better during that period. Rinse and repeat, I would act happy during my home life and then fall into my deep depressive state once more at school. Harry's avoidance and ignorance towards me was unbearable and it was tough to hold back tears every time I saw him.

One evening when I was at home, I was alone with me, myself and my mind (not good). The thoughts that had been haunting me for the past week were still clawing away at my mind while new thoughts were now along side them. I had found out Harry was hurt due to everyone turning on him and questioning him for what he did. I felt like a jerk that they were doing this and I wanted them to stop. Even though I never intended for them to do that when I told them about it I still felt responsible for it. I couldn't take it anymore and on that evening, I curled up on my bed with my pillow in my hand and cried my eyes out. They stung as I rubbed them from the excessive crying. I had tried so hard to hide the situation from my family, hoping we would fix things and I wouldn't need to let them know but I didn't care anymore, I was so hurt and was already at my lowest that telling them and hearing what they had to say wouldn't make me feel any more upset than I already was. Once my family knew they did help, they made me feel better about my self and assured me I wasn't the big bad wolf I was building myself up to be. After that I felt a change in emotions; I wanted to be strong and appear as if I wasn't phased. I acted normal again, I felt free and back to my old self! I acted as if I didn't care if we made up or not, it was all okay anyway! It didn't last long as I knew I was fooling myself, I always broke into tears every time I imagined my future without knowing Harry. I was still interrogating myself, trying to find out a solid answer to what my sexuality was but I just kept blanking out the thought.

I soon switched my emotions to a new set. I was the lead role in Act malicious and annoyed that he had said that about your video! I was aggressive and vicious and bitched so much that it was unbelievable. Looking back at this specific phase I went through, I hate myself for it. I was not the type to insult or act aggressive towards any of my friends. Every time I would speak about Harry in a negative manner I would instantly feel horrible for saying such a thing. The honest reason I acted this way was because I needed to distract myself; I didn't want to feel depressed or upset anymore and I wanted to feel stronger about the situation. But as I predicted, this mood passed and I was hit in the face again with my depression. That aggressive personality was quickly shelved in my mind and never unearthed again.

When the year was coming to a close I finally started to become more reclusive and enjoyed to be alone. I had finished my p.e theory work so I asked my teacher if I could spend the lesson doing extra revision for other subjects and he allowed it. On a Tuesday afternoon, 12:40 till 1:40 I sat in the LRC, alone sometimes revising but most of the time using it as an hours break from work and a time to reflect on the situation between me and Harry. During one of these periods I finally gave into myself and answered the one big question. No, I wasn't gay, but I was bisexual (so I thought) and for the thought of having feelings for Harry beyond friends - I wasn't too sure in all fairness. After much debating and consideration of the predicament I finally stopped the lies and disregard for the matter and answered myself and I felt really good about it. This was really the first step I had taken towards me finally figuring out who I was. For a moment I felt happy, yes! I felt happy for once! But it quickly diminished as the realism hit me that I wasn't friends with Harry still. It was getting closer to the end of the year and my hourglass was almost empty - along with my hope. I had come to terms and had been thinking about the outcome that we wouldn't make up. As much as it broke my heart further, I had to accept it as a possibility.

The day came - last day at school. Paper two, maths. I spent half my time zoned out and still thinking about everything and wondering what would happen after this exam. I hoped that he would come and speak with me but I didn't raise my hopes too high as I guessed already he wouldn't. I did constantly take quick glances down the isle to look at him. Even though he had said that about the video I was still feeling partly to blame and I did honestly have passionate feelings about him. Okay if you'll put your pens down for me and we'll collect the papers the invigilator spoke and I took a sigh of relief that the exam was done. I looked down the row at Harry as he stretched while speaking to the people around him. I increased my stare to a more broader view as I looked around the hall at friends chatting away and I sat alone, sunk into my seat, rubbing my right hand with my left. I was emotionally drained after the past month of fighting I had done with myself and for a moment it felt as if my soul had been ripped out of me and I couldn't feel emotion anymore. They dismissed us finally as screams of happiness echoed around the hall that it was finally summer. I sat around for a while as I didn't see any reason to move. I didn't stay too long as Harry was soon going to be walking up the isle and I still felt awkward around him so I made my move. I spoke to Chris while I got my bag and moaned about how poorly I thought I did. We exited the hall and I saw Waqar walk off in a different direction and I wasn't able to catch him going. In that short moment, reality was hitting me harder than it ever had as it was now the end of high school, my heart was thumping as I was a blur wondering what to do at that point. Chris was able to guide me at that point, him exiting the building kick-started me as I followed him. As I waited for my dad to pick me up with Chris I felt myself sinking lower and lower, Harry had made no attempt to make amends and now there was no chance for it. I wanted to cup my face and burst into tears but Chris was quite awkward in comforting so I kept my tears at bay.

I got into my car with a smile on my face, although it wasn't all fake anymore, I was partially happy about finishing school and having a whole 7 weeks of summer ahead of me.