Coming out

Only love can hurt like this

What is with me and my musical titles, yeesh. Things were looking good for me at this point which might be confusing you with the sound of that chapter title but hear me out. I had opened up to all my friends and my family about my sexuality and I didn't focus so much on fully finding myself for a while as I felt content with the situation I was currently in. But, my feelings for Harry were ever-growing I was only building myself up to sink lower. By this point a few things had happened, me and Harry had started hanging with a couple of others in our class from our high school, Callum and Jack. It was nice to hang with them but I was worried it was going to be a rinse and repeat of high school where Harry would just put me to one side while he hung with them. I was getting too close and I needed to detach before I hurt myself. For a while I felt a little upset because I was over thinking the situation and considered I was being replaced. Nostalgia kicked in but in all the worst ways. The cruel reality of Harry being straight as well was making its way into my thoughts more frequently and it disheartened me even more. For a moment it felt like the tape holding the shards of my heart were peeling away. My panic about being replaced was once again all for nothing (like usual) as I was still very much a good friend of Harry. I can't quite remember in what respect it was but once he did address me as a best friend so I felt soothing warmness heat up my cold and upset body. My heart felt lifted and strong again and I was happy. The absolute pain known as reality was still lingering in my thoughts but Harry did enough to keep me distracted most of the time.

As my feelings were very strong from him, everything he did I thought was cute. Every time he would say something remotely nice to me I would take it on a deeper level and feel butterflies fluttering in my stomach. Ally was the first I went back to every night, I would speak to her about all the cute little things Harry was doing and being able to express it all made me feel so good about it. I did develop a serious level of restraint during that period in my life. As I respected Harry it forced me to limit myself in what I did. Sometimes I wanted to lock my arms around him and hug him till I fell asleep on his shoulder or rush in for a peck on the lips. Sometimes it was trickier but I had to stick to what I said I would do and respect him as a person and not force myself upon him. Some nights I would take to the shower to reflect on the situation and sometimes to sob over how harsh the reality was. I came to a point where I had to think about the reality I was in; I realized he was straight and I respected him a lot so I respected his orientation also. I tried to distance myself from him in the respect of loving him. I went back and fourth through the phases of loving him to death and then trying to let go. Every time I was close to detaching, he would do something irresistibly cute and I would be interested again. Sometimes he would joke around with me and I couldn't help but smile. He would walk over to me with a vacant expression, look at me and slip my phone out of my hand and scroll through my Facebook feed. I trusted him enough and didn't mind him doing this. Some would say that it isn't even remotely cute but he somehow made it cute in his own little way. Fighting against the reality had become too much to handle and I thought of other means to sooth my love for him. I looked out for him as much as I could, defended him and helped him with whatever he needed because I wanted to always be there for him. From helping him put cans in his bag to assisting him with his work I felt happy and it was my way of showing my affection. It came across completely normal; to him, I was just a friend wanting to help wherever I could.

I was perfectly accepting of the reality and I was happy to show my love towards him by always being with him and helping him. It was the sort of person I was and I loved to help him. During all them sessions of thinking during the shower I had also thought a little about my orientation and it didn't take much convincing for me to realize I was gay. I was lying in the respect that I liked both men and women. I did find girls cute and they were really nice to have but only as friends. When I looked at men I could just feel a more passionate attraction and actually considered something beyond friendship with them. Everything was finally okay! I had found who I was and my friends were okay with it! I remember when I finally told them all. One of Tom's friends, Ellesse, I always said she was forward and quite forceful, I was right. She was determined I looked like one of her gay friends and then she slipped it out Are you gay?! I felt happy to admit and let out a little yes. At least she wasn't like how everyone usually is: 'oh my god! Really?' She boasted about how she can just tell. There on out all the guys knew and they didn't treat me any different. I felt so accepted by them and it made me feel so warm and good about my orientation. My love for Harry wasn't going to the extent where it was hurting me and I was finally happy overall.