Coming out

The unfortunate fallout

Now from the chapter title it might just sound like I'm writing about friendship issues at high school but this one in particular really did help me break down the wall of lies I had quite happily been building over the years. In year 11 my depression hit; I was moved into another population and away from my friends. This sent me off the rails and each day I would dread going to school (more so than the average teenager) as I was no longer around the people I had practically grown up with over the years. I had my pathway lessons with them still so I was happy but on the other hand I wasn't. It could of just been me but I began to see negative changes in Harry. He hung with the wrong crowds in lesson (I could clearly see they were the wrong sort of people but most couldn't). He quickly lost interest in lessons and work but I really think he was just trying to look cool in front of the popular kids he had now associated himself with. I'm quite protective of my friends, meaning I do not like to see them ruin themselves and I could see he was so this only fed my depression. In lesson I would zone out and try to make another escape from the prison of thoughts I was locked up in, inside my mind. On top of this, due to my movement of population I had the ever-growing feeling I was being ignored or replaced among my friends in the other population. At one point I was certain I had developed a case of athazagoraphobia which was the fear of being forgotten.

Each lesson all these thoughts jumbled around in my head eventually causing me to come home everyday with a pounding headache. I felt isolated and alone now among my friends and it only ever eased slightly when I saw them at dinner. With everything Harry did it pushed me closer to breaking point but I did not want to collapse and break apart. I wasn't one for confrontation so I avoided it as much as possible, especially with my close friends. Along side these painful thoughts I also did question myself almost every day Why do you even care so much about what he does? Sometimes I really was afraid to consider what the answer was but just blanked out those what seemed to be delusional reasons and blamed it on the fact he was just a good friend of mine and I didn't want him ruining himself. Once I had befriended people in my new population the depression eased and the thoughts weren't as frequent and I did feel okay at times with him and did not worry about what he was doing. Things seemed bearable until they day I tipped over breaking point...

I remember the day as if it was yesterday; the day had started as normal, we had broken up for half term or it could of been for the Easter holiday. It was his birthday and I was so happy to finally reveal the video I had been working on for him. I'm a video editor and it was my way of giving my friends a present that they wouldn't be able to find in any shop. It was later in the evening and he said he was around his Nan's house and I played it as if I was just showing him a video of mine and asking for his thoughts so I didn't spoil the surprise when you're back I want your opinion on a video. He replied saying okay and I was ecstatic to finally have the chance of revealing the video. He messaged a little later on and I sent him the video. I was jumping with glee in my seat as I awaited his response. As I finished seeing the little pen scribble to say he was typing, my eyes flew open wide as my mouth dropped. My heart literally shattered and the shards crashed into my stomach as I felt as if my stomach was collapsing in on itself. It's shit. I can't see the text, you could of done better. With reading the last word the wall I kept built for so long was crumbled instantly. Everything I had withdrew from him, all the avoidance of confrontation surged through me as I spouted sentence after sentence about how him saying that had hurt me. I rejected his responses and repeated myself constantly asking him to leave me alone. My lip dropped as I sat quietly sobbing into my lap over what he had said. In all reality he was doing as I asked, giving me his opinion but that was just a cover up I really wanted him to enjoy the video as I made it especially for him. It was a present and he had basically just threw it back in my face and that hurt. The pain and heartache I felt was unbearable. A flux of intertwined emotions struck me, anger, guilt, heartbreak, sadness and depression jabbed away at my frail mind. I forced myself to stop my sobbing for one reason I didn't want my family seeing and two I needed to gain the strength to message him. Later in the evening I sent him a message again as I was already feeling guilty for lashing out at him. A new set of complicated feelings washed over me when he didn't reply. Nervous, afraid, worried and basically feeling like a dick for spilling my bottled emotions over him. My night was ruined and I avoided my family as much as possible as I didn't want to look out of character because in reality I was breaking down.

The last few days of my holiday consisted of trying to get him to reply to me by asking other friends to message him. I did send him a couple myself but his ignorance towards my messages stabbed at my emotions like knives. I wasn't ready to let my family know about this as I wasn't emotionally ready to deal with what they would have to say about Harry's response to the video. They respected my videos and they wouldn't of been best pleased about someone insulting them, even more so if it was one of my close friends. Each evening I would slip away into the shower so I could sob to myself and think about everything. There was the one thought I always had Why do I feel so heartbroken and shattered by what he said? I thought it was obvious, he was one of my best friends and it hurt to have one of them say such a thing to me. Despite me constantly feeding myself the obvious answer I still let the other thought hop into the mix of reasons. The reasoning that I maybe felt a little something beyond friendship with him. With this thought I shifted back into questioning my sexuality and was about ready to say I don't even know anymore to whoever asked. I was a mess, mixed up, confused, heartbroken and emotionally unstable and the realism of it being the day before we went back to school hit me hard. My mind revved into overdrive and like always I thought of the worst possible outcome What if he hits me, what if he argues or attacks me? What am I going do? I felt on edge and close to passing out. My nerves were shook and I sat shaking on my bed, wondering what would happen. I was afraid and petrified of going in the following day but I would of had to face it sooner or later. I crawled under my cover later that evening and dampened my pillow with tears before finally drifting off sleep.