Coming out

On the right tracks

So after I had finally let go of my crushes on my straight friends I felt freer. I had been talking to Shannon about my love life and I felt okay being single. It was the first time in ages I felt good being single and I wasn't hoping for a relationship. Shannon told me a piece of advice and it really did help me. When you accept you are single, a relationship will happen when you least expect it. I accepted I was a 'single pringle' and it felt good! The rest of her advice was correct too as something did come around.

3:00am on a Saturday morning, Jack messaged me, no not my first Jack friend and not Jack Astbury, yes a third friend called Jack. Still awake? lol I'm a night bird and usually stay up till around 4:40am so it was practically early at three in the morning. We caught up as we hadn't spoke in a while; how life was treating us, college and the usual us teens talk about. He continued on to talk about his love life. He had got engaged to his girlfriend and my heart exploded with happiness, I was so happy for him! I obviously spoke to him about my love life; not my love for straight guys but how I was single. That was the moment when something began to blossom. There was this guy I kissed at a party once, it was crazy. He was bisexual so he operated with both. The guy was drunk and didn't mean to kiss him. After a bit of casual discussion, Jack came back to the topic of this guy His name is Jordon, he a real nice guy. I was obviously intrigued with this guy. I got his second name off Jack and I searched for him on Facebook. I found the wrong guy at first and cringed at the sight but soon found the right one and my eyes lit with delight and instant desire for this boy. He matched the profile of what I liked to address as my 'dream man' he was ginger! I couldn't help myself around cute looking ginger guys, they were my weakness honestly. I asked Jack if he could maybe message this guy I'll see what I can do James ;). I felt ready and was already lost in the thought of love and a relationship.

Later that day (after I had slept and woke up again at around 2pm) Jack got in touch with me this is it James. He had been talking to Jordon and he had introduced me in a sense and he said for me to add him. I felt nervous and awkward doing it this way but I sent him a message saying hi and he replied quickly. The way he typed was cute and adorable, he would put a x on the end of every sentence and it made me even more inclined for a relationship with him. I felt blessed to find someone that looked so cute and was so nice but was also gay at the same time. I had spent so long chasing really nice looking guys with good personalities but were straight so it felt good to finally speak to someone like me, sexual orientation wise.

For the next few days we chatted none stop and I enjoyed every minute we spent talking. I got to know so much about him and I felt so giddy spending time with him even if it was through messages. After the first day of messaging I was pleasantly surprised when he began to address me as cutie or babe. I instantly felt a lot more attached with him and my love-struck mind was still in a daze. I was loving this, he made me feel so good about myself and I felt like I was loved by him. As a few days passed and we continued to talk, his responses started to taking him a while. I dived into the deep end of thought, thinking I was annoying him and he didn't really want to talk to me. In reality he was just busy and he had left his phone. His replies always reassured me and I still felt as if I was important to him.

I wanted to meet up with him as soon as I could as I was in the love zone upstairs in my mind. My luck was actually high when I found out he went to the same college as me. I was able to find out he was only in one day same as me; he had a break for half an hour on a Wednesday and I had a break same time as him. He was in for an evening class on a Thursday but it was after I had finished. On the Monday and Tuesday we spent a good two hours overall discussing about meeting up and I felt ecstatic to finally meet him as my feelings for him were already ripe and strong. I was adamant for a while about wanting a relationship with this guy. Wednesday was here and I was so happy to get to college. I had climbed up onto my pedestal again after so long of trying to get onto it, only to be knocked off again. Rrrrr, I look pig ugly today! You aren't seeing me x Despite his sincerity and jokes in that sentence I still felt like he didn't want to meet up with me. I didn't let it phase me though, I brushed it off and had an amazing day with my mates instead. When I got home, it took him a little while message and I felt shunted out further as if I was annoying him again with my messages. He did reply eventually and I was saved from my excessive worrying. I discussed about meeting up on the Thursday instead as luckily my dad would of been late picking me up and wouldn't of got there till about 5:40pm when his class started at 5:30pm. He said maybe but I rushed into it and turned that into a yes.

It was Thursday and I actually couldn't wait for the day to finish so I could see him. But when it came to the end of the day, the love cloud covering my mind was pierced by my shaky nerves. I stood alone outside as he messaged me letting me know he was on his way. My heart rocketed into my throat as I felt it beating heavily. I was too nervous, this was my first time ever doing anything like this and I wasn't ready. I focused on my phone and scrolled through Facebook, deliberately ignoring my surroundings. He had said to look out for him because wasn't the best with faces. My nerves had shaken me and I didn't feel ready anymore to meet him. I began to apologize over and over to him about how I had blew off meeting him like that. He understood and said it was okay and hours later I felt a boost of confidence kicking me up the back side. After seeing his sincerity I felt better about meeting him and in fact was ready. We continued to message that evening away and once again I felt dazed by love and happiness.

But like all things that had happened to me in my love life, things went sour. The day after I experimented; on all the previous days I had started conversation and today I wanted to wait for him to start conversation with me. I felt shattered when it was 10pm and still I had no message from him. My battered heart was getting ready to crumble again but was saved when he messaged me at about 11:25pm. Hey sorry I haven't been talking, but you haven't either :/ I explained that I wanted him to start conversation with me as I felt I was annoying him, I didn't really I just wanted to see how inclined he was to message me. Not so much it seems... I finished conversation with him that evening but didn't have the butterflies in my stomach like I did on the nights previous. I felt like I wasn't really that important; we were still friends but as he addressed me as cutie and babe sometimes I felt like he was hinting towards something more than friends.

The day after I started to really think about things. I messaged Shannon again Shan, I need your help. She replied hesitantly and asked what was wrong. I explained everything and she helped me through the process. In the end I sent Jordon a message explaining I had rushed into things and I had. I was stuck with the thought of love in my head and I kind of disregarded we had only known each other for a few days. I explained I wasn't his type and really he wasn't mine and kept it as just friends. He replied later that day and said I needed to calm down. He then said he was hungover and 'rough' and said he didn't have time to deal with minor things. Honestly I felt a little aggravated and flustered over how he had responded. I thought about this seriously and he just disregarded that factor and told me I needed calm down. I wasn't quite pleased with what he meant by minor, did he see me and my feelings as minor? Was I really not important at all to him? He said we are still friends but he just looked at my last message and never replied so that is the end of that.

Once again I was back to being single and free. I wasn't falling for anyone and I actually felt on top of the world. I hadn't grown too attached to Jordon when my cloud of love finally dispersed in my mind so the let down wasn't as painful as others.