Coming out

Acceptance

College had now started! The first day was going a lot easier than what I imagined it to be. I met Harry in front of the entrance and we both waited outside our classroom for the first lesson of the semester. It was just us two and I was enjoying my time with him. I was still adamant that I only liked him as a friend and that I only felt that way around him because of the events that had happened between us. But, as we hung together more and more through the first couple of weeks I started to grow really attached to him. We were in MacDonalds one day and one of our friends, Lily actually asked me if i'm bisexual. I obviously said no because I felt embarrassed and afraid to admit it in case they thought I was strange or weird because of it. Later than evening while I was on a Skype call, Reece and Harry asked me if I am actually gay so I felt like everyone was seeing it in me and I'd have to tell them sooner or later. By this point, I had thought long and hard about my feelings towards Harry. I compared how I felt through that whole predicament to how he was; he was casual and he wasn't phased as much as me. I then compared how I felt towards how someone else would when falling out with a friend and realized that no one would be in as much pain or heartbreak as I was. That was the moment when I realized - I felt so destroyed and heartbroken by it because I loved him and I wasn't prepared for someone I cared so much about to hurt me like that. After I convinced myself that was the reason I was sort of shocked. I sat on my computer chair, paralyzed at the time because I felt so scared about this. A straight guy, especially Harry would not be as forthcoming of one of his guy friends having a crush on him. With this in mind I just wanted to crush all feelings I had beyond friendship for him but I just couldn't get rid of these feelings I had subconsciously been building up for years. I felt the feeling of isolation and loneliness coming back as I didn't know what to do or who to turn to. I couldn't of spoke with my parents as I didn't feel confident enough to express my bisexuality and definitely not to tell them about my love for Harry because they weren't quite fond of Harry considering what he had said which made me feel even more scared to have feelings for him.

I felt a light at the end of the tunnel as the feeling of loneliness depleted, my best friend Ally. She was someone I could always turn to; I could discuss anything and she would help me. Ally I need to tell you something...

ohhhh?

I'm bisexual...

AWWWWWWWWWW!! I already felt relieved at her response and I felt more comfortable about it. We discussed it and she reassured me there was nothing wrong with it, she was always there for me and she was actually really happy I had the confidence to come to her and talk about it. But I wasn't finished, I then moved on to tell her about the second thing I wanted to confess. I told her about how I liked Harry and I'm sure if we were in person she would of exploded with how much of an Aw I got from here. She thought it was totally adorable of me liking him. She did question how I could considering all the rough history we had when we fell out and how he made me feel but I explained my emotions and how I felt towards him and she finally broke and sided with me. She made me feel a lot easier about it and said I shouldn't feel scared or ashamed of it. However, she did agree that I need to be careful were I step around Harry because she as well agreed that he wouldn't be quite fond of me liking him due to his orientation.

I guess that is when things really started to blossom. I began to open up to a lot more of my friends about my sexuality and I told a select few about my feelings for Harry as honestly I didn't know who I could fully trust not to tell him. Along with this my feelings started to become a lot more apparent and slowly stronger. Every time I saw him in the morning my heart would beat quicker along with my face lighting up with delight. The simplest things such as his smile and his laugh made my heart smolder. Even though I had such strong feelings I always did remember what I had discussed with Ally, I couldn't let on too much that I liked or he will realize. I kept myself at arms length and tried to stay as casual and cool as any friend would be.

By this point I had told quite a few people about my sexual orientation and they had all made me feel good about myself and gave me support and the backing I needed to feel accepted in society. I decided to finally tell Harry; I say this like it was a issue, it was. I was a little scared to tell him in case he thought differently of me because of my preference but once again I had over thought it and worried for nothing. He was perfectly okay with it and his response made me laugh. I was telling him this big important secret and he replied with a casual ok I felt content and easy with how he took it and it was one hurdle I had successfully took a stride over.

With me turning these confessions into the Olympics, I moved onto the next event, the pole vault, aka. telling my parents. I don't know why I panicked so much about telling them looking back, they both were accepting of gay people in our society and didn't look at them differently at all. However, my mum and dad were a little awkward on the topic of bisexuals; at the time I was still certain I was bisexual because I felt interest towards both genders during this mixed up period while I was trying to find my true self. With them being a little off putting towards bisexual people I did feel like they would not accept me. I spent a few nights prepping myself and each night I got ready to sit them down and discuss it. But each night, as soon as I saw them both my confidence would abandon me and I'd forget the notion. Until one evening, I had been thinking about it all day and despite my nerves being on edge, I wanted to tell them. When they got in from work I sat in the living room and waited for my moment I want to tell you something. If someone was looking at me as an outsider I'm sure they would of seen the fear in my eyes as I felt petrified to be actually doing this. I brought my mum and dad into the front room and they both looked at me asking what it was. Drinking? Smoking? You've done drugs? I declined all the responses Well that's the worst things I can think of, what is it? My mum said. With my current frame of mind I felt like being bisexual was worse than all three of them put together. I felt the words rolling back and fourth along my tongue but I just didn't have the strength to project them. I pictured me saying it in my head but still I couldn't let a word escape from my mouth. After about six times of my mum and dad saying What is it? I cracked I'm bisexual. I felt relief take over me as it calmed my heart back down into my chest as I could feel it thumping away in my throat. I sat in the chair, awkwardly sinking into myself. My mum said to me What's so wrong with that? Doesn't bother me who you like. With my mum's backing and blessing I instantly felt perfectly fine with my sexuality. I love my mum ever so much and to hear her say such a thing made me feel the warmest I ever have. My heart rate had returned to normal and my nerves were back under control. I let them both know that I could look at a guy and say he looked good looking or I could consider having a relationship with a guy. They listened to what I had to say and my mum said to me and do you wanna know something James? I already knew. I smiled happily and laughed, I guess I really had been giving it away and for quite some time it seems. She continued to explain that the way I walk, hold myself (meaning my posture), talk and care about my appearance all showed signs of my sexuality. I felt ecstatic that my mum could see it already in me and it wasn't as much of a surprise to her as I thought.

I was extremely pleased throughout the rest of the night and couldn't be happier with how my confession had gone. There was one little disheartening moment through it all when later on my dad came in and talked to me about why I thought I was bisexual. He explained that its a bit strange how I'm bisexual and not straight up gay (oh that pun). I did feel a little discouraged that my mum and dad thought I was weird for saying I liked both but I did reassure them that I was still confused and mixed up. I was on a journey to find who I truly was and bisexuality was one stop along the ride. My deep dark secret of bisexuality was finally out to my parents and I was so glad I didn't need to hide it anymore.