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' When did it end? All the enjoyment.
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Here I am yet... again. Sitting here being held in my mother's arms at three am crying over a nigga that has made me cry. Again. Here I am depressed over a nigga again. Here I am once again losing myself over a nigga again. Here I am once again... "Why does this happen to me..?" I question out loud wondering why god has yet again sent someone to only have them leave me in such a horrible way. I know god gives me people to meet that will eventually walk in and out of my life but I wasn't prepared for this one. Not a day in my life that I thought I would have been right in this same position with the same pain just a different person after years of not feeling like this.
God keeps giving me lessons to learn but I never learn, I need to learn so I can stop getting hurt by these people— people who are not right for me in life or in general. "Shh baby just let it out.." my mother rocked me back and forth in her arms trying her best to comfort me. This isn't her first time. Which is why she knows exactly how to keep me contained for the moment knowing I'm not gonna be contained when she leaves. "I know you loved him very much.." That made me sob even harder. Knowing that love isn't the word— I still love him even though he's lost love or feelings for me.
"Why doesn't he love me like I love him? I did everything for him, mama. I was there for him when he was at his lowest. I showed him love— love that he wanted and needed over and over and over again!!" My voice raised as I spoke more and more about him. I know I'm a grown woman but when you love someone who you thought loved you back and shows that they don't hurt. "I know baby, I know.." she mumbled kissing the top of my head as she rocked me back and forth like a baby. It's always moments like this when I appreciate my mother. She never judges my feelings towards things and is there for me when I need it.
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' I'm sad again. Don't tell my boyfriend.
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January , 23rd Friday , 5:20 pm
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It's been three months since me and him have broken up, separated, went on whatever you wanna call it. I've been doing better.. two months ago the morning my mother left that day I didn't leave the house at all. I didn't answer any calls from a few of my friends but my mothers, my cousin, and sometimes Darrian, Jay, and Notti of course. My mother came over to check on me every Monday and Friday although I told her not to.
