Find the light to face someday / purinz

Weird Thing

The girls don't meet up again after that last time for quite a while (and when they do it's not actively Chaewon's decision, although she's not against it either — she's trying to get over her feelings for Yunjin properly this time after all, not trying to cut off her friendship with the girl in question).

The weird thing (thing? situation? atmosphere? vibe? Chaewon has no idea what to call it but what she knows is that it doesn't feel great) between them gets better, though, and both of them feel extremely relieved about it. Even though they don't see each other in person they spend much more time texting each other than they used to: at first it starts off with a few texts a week (which is something that could be described as contacting each other once in a while because the girls used to talk much more when they were still spending time together in person) after that failed attempt at talking it out, then it gets more frequent as the girls get more comfortable with each other again. Chaewon doesn't text Yunjin as much as she would like to — the reason behind it is that she's still trying to get over her feelings for the younger girl and spending too much time talking to her will make it harder than it probably should be.

She learns from her mistake though and does contact Yunjin, even if it's not as often as she actually ends up thinking about her and even as she's trying to change their dynamic a bit (Chaewon tries to keep flirting to a minimum, knowing that it would result in making her fall all over again if they continue acting like they always do — and maybe that's a problem too: their usual dynamic. Why was it so natural for them to flirt with each other? Sure, some friends do that, but it always feels a little different with Yunjin than it does with other friends. Maybe Chaewon is reading too much into it though. Perhaps she's the only one feeling like it's weird or different from how it feels like with others.)

A delusional part of the leader imagines talking about the issue with Yunjin again and actually telling her the full truth this time. She'd confess in a way that would sound all awkward and unnatural for sure, anxiety hindering her from making the words come out the way she wanted them to. She imagines how Yunjin would react to her confession. Would she be surprised at her true feelings? Would the girl be disgusted at finding out that she was seen in a not platonic light from one of her closest friends and come to the conclusion that their group would be much better off without Chaewon who so unprofessionally caught feelings for her member instead of being the reliable leader they needed? Or perhaps Yunjin would tell her a secret of her own in return: that she feels the same way, that she returns Chaewon's feelings and feels a similar giddy feeling inside of her at even just the thought of the leader.

That would be too good to be true though, wouldn't it? She sounded delusional even to herself — to think that someone as amazing as Yunjin would feel romantic love and affection towards the mess that Chaewon was? Completely delusional. The older girl had trouble in believing she could be worth for anyone to have serious feelings for — not including the love and support she got from fans because that kind of love was based on the persona she put on as an idol, because that kind of support was for who those fans believed her to be — and to even toy with the idea of Huh Yunjin loving her back felt downright ridiculous.

If Chaewon would let herself think about it long enough she would probably come to the realization that this feeling of not being good enough would be something she could talk about in her therapy appointments. Surely it's not a normal thing to do: to see herself worthless of receiving any kind of love, that is. Maybe she would even talk about it if she still would have sessions with her former therapist – the woman wouldn't pretend to care more than she actually did, she'd be real and transparent and just what Chaewon needed – but there was no way that she would talk about this with the therapist she was currently seeing. Even thinking of such a scenario seemed ridiculous to her.

What's the point of opening up in her therapy sessions? She never asked for therapy. She never asked for help. All she wanted was to be on stage and now she was robbed even off that; and, if things continue being shitty like they are right now and her company gets sick of her, she could possibly be robbed of the chance to be on stage forever. Imagining a future without the ocean of fans shined on by their lightsticks and a future without the four girls who truly mean the world to her made her want to throw up all of the contents of her stomach.

The thought leaves her shaking and she feels ridiculous for working herself up to a panic attack at 3 am while lying in bed and being unable to fall asleep. Chaewon hugs her own body, trying to push down the panic crippling down on her, and lets out a sob when she fails to do so. She feels lost and scared and confused and most importantly she just can't breathe. It feels like she might suffocate any moment and she needs some time to remember what her old therapist thought her: how to slow her breathing down again, how to get aware of her surroundings again, how to get over this horrible feeling that's letting her think that she's about to stop breathing for eternity any moment now.

Once she gets to that point – her breathing has returned to a normal pace and her heartbeat has done the same – she lets out a deep sigh and buries her face in her hands. "Fuck" She mutters to herself. "I'm such a mess" She imagines how she must look right now, face wet from crying, and lets out a laugh. For some reason this situation reminds her of another dark moment of her life. Life has never truly been kind to her, has it?

When Chaewon was announced to be part of the debut lineup she was aware of the fact that Iz*one would be a temporary group. She knew of the contract length, of course, and she tried not to take that little time for granted. It seemed like a long time at that time if she was being honest even when she realistically knew that it wasn't all that long, especially for a group in the kpop industry. It left her feeling the same way she usually did; she continued living her life as a debuted idol with the thought "Nice things never last long in my life anyway".

She got too attached to the eleven other girls and she knew it all too well but when she was ripped apart from them it still shocked her just how much all of it impacted her. Suddenly it was over as fast as what felt like blinking once – Their last comeback came faster than she could possibly comprehend, their last concert was her breaking point and the fact that it had to be digitally without a single fan present didn't help in making it feel real. But it was real and she had to learn it the hard way.

After Iz*one disbanded Chaewon cried more than she did in all of her life before it, she was sure of it. Her mental health dropped to a new low and it left her wondering if living was still worth it. She got to experience being on stage, the thing she was so passionate about, and she learned to love and appreciate her eleven other members – now that it was all over wasn't it the best time to go and spare herself from the pain of losing everything that made her want to hold on?

Eventually she picked herself up again. The broken pieces of herself felt like she put them together all wrong, as if she didn't do it quite right, and she didn't feel like herself anymore. Most importantly, though, she got out of that truly dangerously depressed state after all, didn't she? Besides, she wasn't really the same anymore anyway; where once "Iz*one's" was a title put before "Kim Chaewon" it was now only "Kim Chaewon". Who was she now that she wasn't Iz*one's Kim Chaewon but her own person?

The thought left her thinking. It left her thinking for so long and so deeply that it almost resulted in another breakdown: an existential crisis of some sort. But when she got over it and told herself to get it together she was met with another offer – she got the chance to debut once again. With a different group, a different concept and different members. Perhaps the most different thing about it was that this time her group would be permanent.

One thing lead to another and soon she started preparing to debut for a second time, carefully letting the other girls she would soon call her members into her heart with the fear of getting it broken once more.

Which is how Chaewon found herself as a member of Le sserafim. Not just any member but their leader no less.