Find the light to face someday / purinz

Belief

The next time Chaewon has a therapy session it doesn't feel as horrible as the weeks before that. She still dreads it but by now she has accepted it for what it is and she's slowly opening up to her therapist, even if she still doesn't fully see the point of it. What used to be something she would spend the nights before the appointment thinking about with some kind of annoyance, already hating the fact that she would have another therapy session soon, is now something that she has gotten used to. It might not be 'Yay, I'm looking forward to therapy tomorrow' that she thinks before she goes to bed the night before but at least it's a simple 'Oh, right, I have therapy tomorrow' by now: simple acceptance.

Her therapist looks at her for a moment (which makes Chaewon a little nervous if she's being honest because why does her therapist look at her like that, as if she's able to read her and find out about everything that's going inside of her head?) before saying that she has been looking much more lively the past few weeks. It's nothing more than simple acknowledgment of that fact, no teasing or questioning about it and yet Chaewon blushes with the knowledge that it all started ever since she started dating Yunjin. There's a bit of wondering if she should tell her therapist a new personal thing of hers going on inside of her head before she actually reacts to the other woman's statement but she decides to do it after all. She feels a little shy and embarrassed as she says "I've started seeing someone and they've been helping me feel better" but her therapist simply nods. "That's great, you sound much happier. Have you talked about them with your issues?"

"I did, yeah" It's not even a lie - they might not have gone into full detail about it but they've talked about it before and she knows that she has her girlfriend's support when it comes to both physical and mental health and just about everything in general - Yunjin is on her side no matter what and to say that it's a relief would be a massive understatement. "It's just..." Chaewon wonders if she should talk about it but she decides to just go with it in the end, figuring that if she already started talking about the topic she might as well finish. "When I went on hiatus, before we started dating, I sort of ignored them. Not because I wanted them to get hurt or anything like that but I just thought that by ignoring them I would be able to get over my feelings. It didn't work and we never fully talked about why I ignored them because I couldn't just confess but now that we're dating I feel like I should tell them"

The therapist hums before asking her a question. "Why did you try to get over your feelings instead of confessing?"

Chaewon now knows that it was a self deprecating thought, she has learned that much. "I didn't know that sh- I didn't know that they liked me the same way. I felt...insecure, I guess. Like there was no way someone could actually love me, least of all this person who seemed so lovable in my eyes and, well, still does" She trails off with a slight blush at the end.

"And how do you feel now?" It's a bit hard for Chaewon to look into the other woman's eyes, her eyes roaming over the room instead.

It takes her a moment to reply but when she does she finds her words to be the truth and is kind of surprised as well as proud that this is the truth. "I feel like I might deserve it, that there might actually be people who love me for who I am and that this person is one of them. Being with...this person has made it easier to believe"

"How about this: you talk to them and explain why you ignored them, what kind of thoughts you had that made you act like that and then you tell me how it went next week?"

Chaewon nods in agreement. "Alright, I think I can do that" She truly has come a long way since her first therapy session, hasn't she? Chaewon didn't really think too much about it before but she feels sort of relieved and maybe even proud. She's improving day by day and isn't this exactly what her company wanted before they let her come back from hiatus? The end is near, she's feeling it now. The girl comes out of therapy with a smile on her face and newfound determination boiling inside of her. She's going to get her girls back in her life permanently again, she'll get back to being on stage, she'll return to her idol life and nothing will be able to stop her. She was able to survive as a trainee and debut not only once but twice, what can't she do? She believes in herself, even if it surprises herself as well.