Redemption

Conflicted

Three more days had passed with no sight of Anakin. 

More and more, as time went on with him gone, I couldn't help but think about him. I couldn't help but replay the moment we shared together just before he left, over and over in my mind, searching for some clue or answer as to why he had left so abruptly with no explanation or warning. Was it a fear of attachment? Or had he merely used me and discarded me like a pawn in his stupid, dark game. I didn't even know anymore.

Each day, the weight of these lingering questions grew heavier. I found myself lost within the pages of countless books, but now I had exhausted that refuge. My emotions fluctuated between anger, frustration, and perhaps even a tinge of sorrow. The absence of any context or closure regarding the possibility of ever seeing him again doomed over me, stirring a deep sense of worry.

He was a force to be reckoned with, and I knew that from the beginning, yet I couldn't help but want to get closer to him. Now that he was far, far away, I was realizing how attached I had gotten to him, and I was just as afraid of that attachment as he probably was. I found myself inexplicably drawn to him, his presence intriguing me instead of terrifying me, yet he always left me with an internal battle. I questioned my own morality. How could I feel such a pull towards someone so entrenched in the shadows? No matter if I saw him as someone different or not, he had still committed unforgivable acts of cruelty.

I was so tired of being alone, he really kept me company. Now him being gone, I was left with nothing but myself. And occasionally Rex, he definitely had been helping me get through the boredom and loneliness.

My mind then wandered back to that surreal conversation with Rex. He had revealed a side of himself I never expected, a side that almost connected us in a way I couldn't have foreseen. His words about Anakin and Ahsoka being his only sense of family echoed in my mind. I still had yet to know who Ahsoka even was, if she was even alive. I was dying to know. The shock and disbelief had yet to dissipate; it was as if I had glimpsed a hidden world behind the battle-hardened facade of a clone trooper. I'd known Rex for over a month now, but never had I imagined the depths of his emotions.

My heart ached for him, for the memories of the Clone Wars that he had to bear. I could sense the weight of those times pressing on him, the losses, the victories, and the indelible marks they left on his soul. It almost seemed as if he shared a similar bond with Anakin, one like I did, and it was a moment of vulnerability that made me question everything.

And then there was my own struggle, a secret I could never reveal to anyone – Anakin. The complexities of our world prevented any chance of expressing my feelings, or at least I think it did. I couldn't help but wonder if Anakin had experienced those same moments of vulnerability, if he had confided in anyone else about the battles he fought within himself.

As I drowned in the deep trenches of my thoughts, I was practicing my force abilities by lifting simple objects up and pushing/pulling them around. With each push, and each pull, I felt the force gather around my body more and more. My mind was becoming more stabilized, and I began to trust in the force as I practiced.

After 30 minutes went by of practicing, I decided I should probably get something to eat. I had been constantly going at bettering my ways in the force, and I hadn't eaten much. There was practically nothing in the fridge of my room, and I wouldn't even dare step into Anakin's. The last time I did, there was nothing but beer, and I didn't even want to think about him anymore than I already had been. I couldn't believe it was tormenting me this much.

I walked out of the room I had drowned myself in these past few weeks with him gone. On my walk to the kitchen, I noticed a door to the right of me, one that felt tempting, like the force was calling me to it. I stopped in my tracks, a whisper in the depths of my soul urged me to stay away, to resist the temptation, for I felt the darkness behind that door was a path with peril and suffering. But it was as if the door itself reached into the darkest corners of my heart, invoking emotions I couldn't deny.