The Dorm Keeper | (g)i-dle

111 - THE GUILTY ONE

TW: This chapter contains scenes with self-harm behaviors and suicidal tendencies.

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Y U Q I

Blood dripped from my arm as tears continued to stream down on my cheeks. Yet it didn't hurt. The numbness that I felt was way too much that even my torn physical body couldn't even break through it.

I picked myself up from the ground and looked at my body in the mirror inside my dark and quiet room. I traced my skin with my fingers as I stared at how bruised and bleeding they've become ever since we were forced to move here in the United States.

How much more do I need to hurt myself in order to make it even to the people that I've abandoned and killed?

How many blades must I use and break in order to make the deepest and most painful cuts that a human being is capable of doing?

"..Should I just die?" I weakly whispered to myself.

In fact, these blades are no longer helping me. They can't possibly remove all the guilt that I'm feeling right now. After a week, I heard from the news that the woman survived the accident, but she had a miscarriage and Abby Unnie is going on trial for it. I killed somebody's child, because I was too busy minding my own feelings while driving. And even though everything was my fault..

I still managed to become selfish. I was scared to death that I'd hurt the most important people in my life, hence I wasn't able to fight for her. I ran away like a coward, because I knew that the public would eventually turn their back on me and start throwing shade to my group members and family as well.

Why didn't I just admit to the crime that I committed? Maybe if I trusted the justice system more and begged for the victim's forgiveness, someone out there would've listened and understood my side. But instead, I flew to a completely different country and had to perform in front of our international fans like nothing happened.

I thought that I could still survive, even just for a bit. But it turns out that I died with that unborn child. The moment that I messed up and used Abby Unnie's kindness to save myself, I couldn't bear to live anymore. I've been in a constant battle on whether to live for the sake of the people who love and care for me or just die to end the mental and emotional torture that I'm going through everyday.

I walked towards my bedside table and opened a drawer underneath it. I've hidden a knife and I usually make bigger cuts with it, when I don't feel like the little blades that I have are helping me. I took it and sat on my bed as I began cutting myself more. Deeper and harder this time, because it allows me to breathe for a few seconds whenever I'm physically hurting myself.

However, I don't feel the same comfort as I used to do a few days ago.

"This isn't enough," I murmured to myself. I pointed the knife straight to my heart as tears continued pouring out from my swollen eyes that have been continuously crying for hours prior to this moment. "I want to die.."

Then I moved the knife closer and closer to my chest until it was only an inch away from killing me. But I was shaking badly.. I was terrified of dying without being able to do anything for the people that I've hurt, yet I don't have the guts to face them at the same.. So why the hell can't I just do it?

"Kill yourself. Don't be pathetic now, Song Yuqi."

"W-What?" I quickly looked around as I heard a cold and unfamiliar voice of a woman. But there was no one else in my room. I was completely alone.