Born For Each Other - Tom Kaulitz

22 - Even therapy wouldn't help.

06-28-2010

I was sitting in the bathroom corner while crying. I was looking at a picture Elena and I took. We were so happy and we didn't even knew what waited for us. I felt so weak and broken without Elena. We saw each other every single day, and now she's gone, forever. I cried so much these days that it felt like my tears were going to be blood drops. It was currently 7 in the morning and I was awake early before the interview we had today.
Today was the day that Elena and I met each other. It was already four years ago but it felt like it was just some days ago. I just wanted that I could hold her in my arms again.

I took my phone and looked at the background. It was the picture of Elena that I loved the most out of all her pictures. Her eyes were shining as she was laughing. I remember that moment like it was yesterday. We were interviewing each other but we only made jokes the whole time. I took that photo but it was an accident, cause I meant to film not to take a photo. I smiled at the picture as the tears rolled down my cheeks. I closed my phone and opened it again. Then there was another picture. It was Elena's favorite picture of me that she took while we were sailing. I had my arms on the outer edge from the boat and I was laughing too. The third picture on my background was the most beautiful picture that was ever taken from Elena and me. We were looking in each others eyes while smiling. On the back there were trees with lights cause it was a light show. Everything was so perfect back then. Now I had to live without her.
I wished that I could take Elena and myself back to the day we met.

12:31

"Please welcome Tokio Hotel!" The interviewer said. The audience was cheering when we walked to our seats. I sat down on the side of the couch so the others could sit closer to the interview. I wasn't in mind for almost the whole interview cause I was thinking of Elena. I heard Bill and the others talking about her while I was staring at the floor. After Elena's death, I felt not like myself anymore. My eyes were darker and not shiny or happy anymore. I knew that the fans knew everything about what happened. Cause just a the day after the night we crashed, everything on social media was filled with news about Elena's death and the crash.

I remember the first video about it on the television. There was a man that told people the shocking news and I still know what he said. "One of the best dancers, top models and the girlfriend from Tom Kaulitz out of the band Tokio Hotel, died in a car crash this night. Elena Kaiger was only 20 years old when she crashed with her car, together with Tom Kaulitz. Luckily Tom Kaulitz survived. He is in the hospital right now to recover from the crash. But with pain in his heart, he and all of us, need to say goodbye to our loved superstar." When I watched that show, I was crying so much. There were video's of the ambulances and car too, and that made me shiver.

"Tom, are you able to talk a little about what happened?" The interviewer asked. I nodded slightly as I looked at him and the audience. I was a little surprised when the audience started clapping for me. "Okay. So, how do you experience that night?" The interviewer asked me calmly. "As the night that ruined my whole life." I said with a softer and lower voice than I had before. "I totally understand, losing your most loved one is the hardest things. But I heard that you have something from her?" The interviewer began again. "Yes, I have her favorite jewelry." I put my shirt more to under so you could see the star necklaces. "The lower one was already from me and the upper one was from Elena. I got the same necklace as her on my 17th birthday." I said. Then I showed my hand. "And this was her ring. She always wore it. Everywhere at any time." I said as I looked at the silver ring with little black forms that had a little pearl gem in the middle. "It's beautiful!" I heard people say. I got a little smile on my face as they said that.

As longer as we were talking about Elena, how harder it became to hold up my emotions. I started to fiddle with my shirt while my leg was moving up and down. As they were talking about the last moments and the memories with Elena, I couldn't speak anymore. I felt the tears already coming up and I leaned on my legs with my arms as my head was looking down. I didn't wanted the people to see how much I wanted to quit life, they probably don't understand.

23:16

I was sitting on the couch while thinking. I should just end this. I will never recover, even a therapy wouldn't help. If I'm dead, I can be with Elena again. And in my next life time, I can have the future with her that we always wanted. I remembered the day that Bill was in the hospital cause he was so sick that he could die, but now Elena died. I can't do this again, I just can't handle the pain anymore.
I waited before everyone was sleeping and I started to record a video.

"Hey mom and Bill. When you see this, it's already a new day. For me it's now June 28, 2010 and 23:20 PM. I don't want you guys to worry about me. Cause when you see this, I am more happy then ever. That's because I'm with Elena. And I know that you guys will never forgive me, but I need to push thru too much pain. I will have rest when I'm with Elena and I will watch you guys from above, just like Elena does. But before I go, I just want to tell you both something. Mom, you are the best. You always do everything to make us happy and that's what makes you so special. You are the mom everyone wish they had. No one can be a better mom than you and I'm so grateful that you are my mom. And Bill. I can't describe how much I love you. You were always there for me and I couldn't ask for any more. We have the most special bond that brothers can have and I'm so so so proud of you. I only have one wish left. And that's that you live for me. Please, do it for me. Live your life just like you want it and don't care about other peoples opinion. I want both of you to see the happy things in life, not that bad things like I did. Please know that this isn't the fault of you two. And I will always love you guys forever. Bye mom, bye Bill." I said and stopped the video.

I wrote a little note, to put by my phone so they can watch the video.
*The code is 010989. Please watch the video:) I love you guys forever<3* I put my pen away. I took a last look at my room. It was my comfort place but I was happy that I was going to make this life to an end. I softly walked to mom's room and looked if see was asleep. When I saw she was I sighed and a tear rolled over my face. My mom who always gave me the love I needed. She was sleeping so peacefully, just like Elena used to do. "I love you mom, I love you forever." I whispered. Then I snuck to Bill his room. I already felt myself crying again as I was not even in his room.

I stood in the doorway while crying as I looked at Bill. Then he slowly woke up and looked at me. "What's wrong?" He asked with a soft smile on his face. "You will understand tomorrow. Just go to sleep and know that I love you with all my heart." I said softly as I was trying not to burst out in tears. "Tom why are you crying? What's wrong?" He asked as he knew I was crying even while he couldn't see me. "You're my favorite person, but this is the only time I will see you again. Please, go to sleep." I sobbed. "Tom, what's going on?" Bill asked as he stood up and walked up to me. I started crying as he was hugging me. "I can't say it..." I said thru crying. "I just miss, Elena so much. But please just go to sleep. I love you so much." I said as I was taking breaths to stop crying and Bill was nodding. "Okay, but don't hurt yourself." He said as he hugged me for the last time. I was hugging him so tight that I was almost bursting out in tears again. "Bye." I said as I walked out of his room while looking at him for the last time. "Bye." He said as he got in bed again while he didn't knew this was the last bye in real life.