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"should we finish our 21 questions?" tendou asked, as i placed down a cup of coffee. "isn't it 18 questions?" i asked, raising an eyebrow as he pulled me down onto his lap.
"18, whatever you say." he mumbled quickly, wrapping an arm around my waist, i chuckled softly at his comment before he continued. "let's see.. where we're we?"
"uh, how many times do you do it?" i asked, his lashes fluttered slightly as he registered the question. "..when the pressure gets to hard or when i feel.."
"numb?" i ask quietly. oh god, i just made the atmosphere more worse and somber! i frown slightly, sighing lightly, "yea."
"it's like when i think i have no emotions and i just need to know i'm alive. i need to be aware that i'm alive and i have a beating heart, i'm not.."
i hummed slightly, a throaty sound that made me unable to open my mouth because i think i'm similar to him. i don't have the same fears or the same experiences, but i know exactly how he feels. i was in the same situation.
most people attempt to use the pain to numb the ache, but i.. i wanted to feel something. just anything that would make me know i have a beating heart.
"there.. there was this book." i start off, frowning, my hands fumbling to reach for his. he seemed to know so he placed his hand in my hand and allowed me to play with his fingers as i attempted to relax.
those days.
i close my eyes.
continuous words, continuous therapy sessions. i took a deep breath in, the room seemed to be colder than the snow outside the window. i stared at the tea, watching the faint fumes go up. next to it, was a book of white. four colours; blue, yellow, green and red on the cover.
Surrounded By Idiots. what a peculiar title, I picked it up by the edge of the book, flipping through the pages with no interest.
"if you think it's interesting, you can take it" i looked up, she smiled down at me reassuring but i only shrugged, placing the book on my lap.
"shall we start the session?" i nodded slightly.
"and i used to read it. it was called, surrounded by idiots." he chuckled softly, a baritone melody loud in my ears. "i used to annotate it, i used to read it and i used to skim over the words a million times and i just," he caressed my knuckles softly.
it's crazy how a single object can remind you of someone that deeply scarred you. it's scary.
"hate the fact that i finished it."
"you have to finish everything at some point right?" he asked softly, i tilted my head back onto his shoulder. "yes but, i finished sooner than before didn't i?"
"well, when were you going to finish it?" i paused. i had to finish it sooner or later, it was better that i did it early. "i just wish i had more time to finish it."
"it's alright, you finished it and that's alright. you did a good job," tendou paused, gripping my chin softly and making me face his caring eyes-bright and ruby red with a hint of yellow glow due to the lights. "i'm proud of you."
and i cried. so much. into his shoulder, wetting his red jacket and gripping his neck as if he could save me, as if he was my hook.
📝 note : finishing the book means that she moved on.
