ONE HEART 4 STRINGS || Joshua ||SVT ff ||18+

37

In the silent embrace of night's darkest hours, I find myself lost in the tendrils of loss, grappling with the painful ache within my soul. How does one make sense of a world that spins on despite the gaping void, where every breath taken seems burdened by the weight of absence? Zarin is really, truly gone? Forever? And I'm never going to see him again? Oh, life can be so unfair, giving us happiness and then taking it away, leaving us with only memories. I smile painfully remembering his laughter, oh my brother could fill the entire atmosphere with joy the moment he walks into a room. His beautiful violet eyes, I'm never going to look into those again? They're now cold and closed forever? 

Nothing can take this pain away, absolutely nothing. I feel more miserable knowing Elle will never have him by her side during their baby's childbirth. She'd visited him two months ago and things happened before she returned home, now I understand why he was so bent on proposing next month on her 29th birthday. Ha! Life is indeed funny, it ended my relationship with Joshua but gave me a godson from Somi and Mingyu, took my brother away(forever) and I'm about to a have niece or nephew who'd never meet their dad. 

I arrived LA two days ago, leaving behind the buzzing ambiance of Korea for the somber reality here. The news of Zarin's passing not only shattered my world, but it took it's toll on mother's frail heart, she had a heart attack and now in a coma. Can life get any worse?. 

Joshua's condolence text, devoid of a call, leaves me yearning for his presence in this moment. I'm super grateful for the text because Somi immediately informed him, but if possible, I'd rather he is here with me. His voice and warmth would offer solace I really seek.

Silent since the devastating call that turned my world upside down, I spent the entire eleven-hour flight gazing out the window, silently wishing to dissolve into the clouds, just get me out of here. Jeonghan, by my side, held my hand, a silent comfort I couldn't refuse in my weakened state - yep, he traveled with me since Somi, with her pregnancy and the urgency of my departure, couldn't accompany me. I couldn't even argue with Jeonghan and Somi as they handled everything for my trip. All I was doing was sleeping, crying and throwing up. And, well, calling Joshua endlessly, bonus point? He never answered or called back. 

Jeonghan watched me all through the flight, I caught him staring countless times. His gaze, lingering on me, stirred emotions, especially after our last kiss. It's funny how we both never speak about it, pretending it never happened or he wasn't moments away from. . . . never mind, it's my brother's burial, let's stick to the event at hand. 

 "Celine, are you doing okay?" He'd glanced over at me, concern etched on his face, as I stared blankly out of the window, lost in the whirlwind of emotions.

I turned my gaze toward him, grateful for his presence yet unable to voice the pain within. "I don't know," I whispered, my voice barely audible. "Everything feels so surreal. I-l just can't believe he's gone.... I'm never seeing Za again."

He nodded in understanding, his hand gently squeezing mine. "I can't imagine what you're going through. But I'm here for you, mm? Whatever you need."

I managed a faint smile, "Thank you. . . .Thank you Jeonghan. This, um . . . being here like this, means a lot." 

He shifted in his seat, hesitating before speaking softly, tucking a few hairs from my face, "I'm glad I could come with you" he let out a small laugh that met his eyes, "Somi and I are happy you didn't have the strength to argue" he chuckled and I just turned back to watching the clouds. 

I'm grateful you're here, 
But I'd rather it's him.

Today is Zarin's lying in state, a day of farewell I'm unprepared for. I ache for his return, yearning to hear his voice, seeking his advice,  wanting to experience his inexplicable acts of kindness, wishing fervently for my brother to wake up, to be here with me once more.