ONE HEART 4 STRINGS || Joshua ||SVT ff ||18+

43

OCTOBER, November and now December. How the hell am I still breathing? I knew leaving would never be easy but I didn't know it'd be this hard. My life has become lifeless for over 90 days. The light finally went out completely from my eyes, the sun left my sky and every flower in my heart's garden withered away.

This house feels empty, it's void of people and good memories, it now feels hollow. There's an emptiness that grows inside me.

Mother regained consciousness two days ago and I feel a bit of warmth but it's cold- warmth. She's up now, she will ask questions - questions I cannot answer, she will ask for Zarin. My father avoids me like a plague, the very first night I landed he asked what wind blew me here? We've not spoken about what needs to be said, he knows I know. 

He looks at me like I'm his worst mistake, a filth that shouldn't be amongst humans. And somehow he might be right, if it wasn't for me, Zarin would still be alive. He'd be with Elle right now, probably discussing wedding plans or preparing for their son's birth. But he isn't, he's cold and dead because of me. 

Our home has never been a sunny and cheerful one but the coldness and emptiness herein without my favorite person is suffocating. I miss my brother, I miss Som, I miss the members, I miss my flower shop and  like a dry thirsty desert- I miss Joshua. 

I sigh picking up the leave-in conditioner, taking a generous amount and applying on my curls, running my fingers through to ensure it's evenly spread and absorbed. I'm barely able to recognize my face as I look at myself through the mirror, my eyes are empty and cold, devoid of emotions and spark. 

God, I miss him! 

Did I ever want to leave? Hell no! But I needed to be close with mother. I couldn't loose two of the most important people in my life, I wanted to be close to my mum, hold her hands, even though unconscious and hope she recovers so I see her smiles again. I needed to tell her everything that had happen with me, I wanted to bond with her. 

But here I am, three Months after leaving my life and  happiness behind, we're yet to have a proper conversation. She had woken up sad, she remembers Zarin is gone - her first baby is gone at only 30 years of age. I see the sadness in her eyes, I see her opening her mouth to say something to me but then she shuts it and looks away - her heart is heavy and I feel it because mine is heavy too.  

Satisfied with my hair, I tie it in a messy bun, apply some lip balm and pick up my phone , ready to head back to the hospital. There's a  string of messages as usual.

Som💜

Lyn, I'm not having this baby without you. I miss you, you crazy woman! 

Jeonghan

How's your mum now? Somi let us know she's out of coma now. We all miss you. 

Dino

 Noona, reply this once please. Hyung is not himself. Call me when you can please. 

Mi Sol💙

Day 92 without you. I love you. Snow misses you. 

Dad

I have a meeting this morning. Stay with your mother till I'm back. 

I still speak with Somi, at least once in two weeks because my heart breaks just hearing her voice. She's due this month and as much as I'd love to be around when little Gyu is born, I'm not sure that'd ever be possible which breaks my heart further. Jeonghan drops a text or two every once in a while. Dino, DK, Hoshi and Seungkwan keep me abreast of the situation of things but lately, it feels like something is off or wrong but nobody is telling. Scoups once tried getting me to reveal my home address and I ended the call on him, that's the last time I ever picked their calls.