Never Mind | #yoonmin

37

AUTUMN
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The reflections in the window disrupt my view to the busy street. I want to see people walk by in solitude, but instead I see the reflection of the people in the restaurant, laughing and talking. Hoseok keeps talking to me and I really do want to listen to him, but I just can't. I hear the first couple words of each sentence, but the words have no meaning without the rest of the sentence.

"Yoongs?"

"Hm?" I lift my head from my hand and look back at my friend. His head tilted, clearly trying to read me. "Sorry..." I mumble to apologise for not listening.

"Are you thinking about..."

"No." I lie.

"Okay... Well, anyway, I think I'll take some time off after this job."

"You say that each time. Are you actually going to now?"

Hoseok chuckles and pours us some more soju. "You're right. I probably won't." He admits. He works way too hard and he knows it. We cheers and drink. The alcohol feels like bitter lemonade in my body and I'm in need of a more harsh distraction. My head turns back to the window without me really noticing and the reflection of the laughing crowd makes me sigh.

"Come on Yoongi-ya, just talk about it." Hoseok urges.

"About what?"

"Seriously?" His eyebrows raise up as high as his expectations for me to talk about Jimin.

"What is there to say Hoseok? He doesn't want to see me anymore." My hands drop to the table, making the little empty glasses rattle.

"But how do you feel about that?"

"Okay, Mr. Therapist, I feel fine. He's right, we dragged it out too long already anyway, any longer and it would have become difficult to stay friends."

"Are you friends now?"

"I... I don't know. We haven't spoken since."

"Hmm. Maybe he just needs some time. And you as well."

Do I need time? I have no fucking clue what I need. I stay silent to avoid talking about this any further and take the green bottle to pour us some more soju, but only one lonely drop pours out.

"Fuck... Yaa!! One more!" I shout at the waitress while holding up the empty bottle.

"Okay... no need to alert the entire restaurant."

"I just want a fucking drink."

"No shit." He rolls his eyes.

"What's your problem, Hoseok?"

"My problem? You're the one acting like a hurt little child."

"Well maybe I am fucking hurt." I blurt out as I feel the anger being pushed to my hands which have balled up into fists.

"There!" He points his finger at me. "Finally you admit it."

"I bet he's seeing someone."

"What makes you think that?"

"We agreed to stop it if he met someone he wants to date more seriously. What if it's Taemin? What if he wants to get back together with that asshole?" I watch my knuckles turn white as I dig my nails deeper inside my palms. I wish I could leave a print of my knuckles on Taemin's face. I know they talked after he released his new single 'Guilty'. Jimin didn't even tell me what they talked about. Is it because there was a spark between them again?

"Why is Taemin an asshole?"

"That little shit cheated on him." Fuck. Should I not have said that?

"What?? Then why are there so many rumours about Jimin cheating on him?" Hoseok lowers his voice and leans closer to me across the table.

"It's all a big mess, and it's all my fault. I should have protected him better. What if he left me because he realised I only fuck things up in his life? I need to know the reason. I can't sleep thinking about it. We had such fun together Hobi... And that last night with him... Oh my god. Best sex of my life. I made him cum three times. Three. Fucking. Times. And then he just ends it? Just like that?" The anger in my veins starts to mix with a salty sadness. I really didn't want to feel this way tonight. I wanted to have a good time with Hoseok and drink my thoughts away, but here I am suddenly spilling my words across the table and living through the whole experience again.

Hoseok opens his mouth to say something, but the waitress stops him while she slams a fresh bottle of soju on the table without a word. I guess she doesn't like me much. She shouldn't anyway. I grab the bottle and open it to pour our glasses way too full.

"Cheers. To Jimin being better off without me. I hope Taemin fucks him better than I did." I don't wait for Hoseok to lift his glass and drink mine before filling it up again immediately.

"Damn... Well, at least you're finally expressing your emotions."

"I have a theory that Taemin took those pictures of me. In the ally and the car." I apparently suddenly can't keep my mouth shut.

"What? Why would he do that?"

"Because he wants me to fuck off out of Jimin's life so he can have him to himself again. I mean, don't you think it's suspicious that Jimin conveniently isn't recognisable in both pictures? Only me?"

"Hmm... I didn't think of that before... You're right, that is kind of weird."

"Right?? I can't believe he got his way now. He fucking did it. He chased Jimin away from me." I say with a shaky voice. The salty sadness fights my anger too strongly and I feel tears wanting to form in my eyes.

"Well, let's not jump to any conclusions."

"I need a smoke." I jump up from my chair. Ain't no way I'm going to cry now, especially not in a restaurant.

I rush to the door and step outside without my jacket. It's cold, but I don't mind. The cold helps me distract myself from my inner battle and focus on just the physical for a moment. I light my cigarette and try to smile after I inhale the toxic air to scare away my tears. A smile which feels nothing but sarcastic. Here I am, standing outside, trying to not think about the man I thought I could just suppress my crush for. Now, three months later, he has taken control over my life and my mind in ways I didn't think was possible.

Is it just my anger towards Taemin which makes this so difficult? Or is it my ego? I usually don't mind when flings end, but now... I feel like I got dumped.

I look around me at the faces of people walking by. I'm not sure why I thought I'd see lonely, sad faces. All that I see are couples and friends, smiling. The sharp smiles carve the air and leave trails of emotions which I can almost touch. I want to reach out my hand and catch some of the glare that they leave behind in the cold air. I wonder what Jimin and I looked like when we walked together. Did our smiles leave touchable traces?

My eyes find a man walking alone in a thick winter coat, too warm for the early autumn. He catches me staring at him, but I don't look away. His eyes look cold and hollow and I watch him pass by in slow motion. To feel connected to a stranger like this for a moment is something I strangely appreciate. For those few seconds I like to imagine that we understand each other, that for a little while I am understood without having to explain myself. I want to share my pain, but I don't want anyone to know me. I want to be just a moment.

I take a deep breath and finish my cigarette. Just a couple more drags and I have to go back inside. I don't want to talk about Jimin anymore. I want to pretend I never even met him.

I practice my forced smile and turn on my heels to enter the restaurant again.