Never Mind | #yoonmin

44

"It's nothing." I sigh.

"What do you mean it's nothing?" Hoseok asks while filling our soju glasses once again.

"I mean, we're just friends."

"But you've been talking again for a couple weeks now, has nothing changed?"

"No. I really think he's dating someone, I don't want to ruin things for him." I lift my glass to cheers with Hoseok and drink.

"I don't know man, the way he looked at you that day when I met him... He had so much love in his eyes." Hoseok throws me an endearing look while blinking rapidly.

"Don't put any ghosts in my head Hobi, I'm happy we're friends again. What else could we be anyway?"

"Alright alright... But wh—"

"No buts!" I point my finger at him.

"Alright! Fine..." He sighs and we eat our kimchi stew in silence for a moment. The last two weeks my mind has been quite calm. Jimin and I have been talking again and we met up a couple times. It felt weird at first, but I think I'm getting the hang of this friends without benefits thing. I hope.

"So," Hoseok begins again, "how was your first appointment with the therapist?"

"Oh, it was fine."

"Just fine? Don't be afraid to ask for a different one if you two don't match well, alright? It would be a waste otherwise."

"Yeah yeah, I know. I think she's alright. The first appointment is always a bit awkward and... I don't know... bureaucratic? Answering basic questions and such."

"Hmm." Hoseok stares at me with squinted eyes, probably trying to read me beyond my words. He knows I don't like therapy.

"Did you mention Jimin?" He asks.

"What? T-to the therapist?"

"Yeah."

"No... Why?"

"You know why. This whole episode of yours started when he broke up with you."

"He didn't broke up with me, we weren't dating." I mumble with my mouth full.

"Well yeah, but you know what I mean. I think it's important you talk about your feelings for him to someone. You always change the subject when I bring it up, but please just talk about it in therapy then." Hoseok says in his serious voice. I can tell he had to gather quite some courage to tell me that.

"Hobi, he's just my friend."

"Is he? Is that all you want?"

"Yeah. I care about him, I do, but he deserves to be loved. I want nothing more than for him to be happy. Seeing him smile again the past couple weeks has been the best thing in my life recently. How could I destroy that?"

"What makes you think you'll destroy it?"

I sigh, getting frustrated that he keeps trying to dig around my feelings for Jimin. Not because I mind him asking, but because I just don't know how to explain it well enough.

"Hobi, I can't risk it. I... I need him. Or... I don't know. I don't even know the words to describe what I feel. There might not even be a word for this, because if there was then I'm sure I would have known about it."

"Hyung..."

"When I think about him I just feel this... My heart just... It's almost too much sometimes. It feels so... pure. Bright. I never want to lose this feeling... It feels too good."