//Rafe Cameron\\
"You don't make deals with the devil, not unless you want to dance with him and maybe I did"
Lily Grant has spent her whole life slumming it with the pogues, being that she is one.
They're her day ones, her best friends. Life coul...
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I blink my eyes, my eyelids feelings like sandpaper against them. They're dried out from crying. My nose stings and I reach up and wipe it, having to breathe out of my mouth since my nose is too congested. I stare at the corner some more, with my knee pulled up to my chest and my other leg tucked under my butt as I sit on my bed. I'm not sure how long I've been sitting here staring at the wall with not a single thought. Isn't it insane how your mind can become so distressed that it not only stops thinking but forgets to remind you to blink?
Twisting around the syringe I found in my hand. Trying to figure out where it came from but I have no idea. Maybe I've gotten so bad I don't remember using it or what was in it.
Maybe I have been thinking, I just can't remember what about. I don't even know what was running through my mind two seconds ago except these thoughts themselves.
I don't know what time it is but the sun fully rose a few minutes ago. It angered me when it did, the night couldn't have been more forgiving when in a situation like this. Fuck the earths rotation. I've always been more of a night owl, the night is calming. I feel alone but the good kind of alone. I feel safe from the world because mostly everyone is asleep and not trying to hurt me. It either calms me so much that I want to stay up or I'm so terrified of it that my mind won't let me sleep.
Whatever it is it's blurred between the two and I can't tell.
I don't know what to think. I'm scared. I've never been weak or felt small towards anyone. Sixteen year old me used to be so confident, not in a stuck up ego way just about life. She would have stood up to Rafe if I was still her. But that girl wouldn't have gotten into drugs in the first place. That girl still had her best friends. I'm not her anymore and I don't remember how to be.
I've thought so much about this deal that I can't remember exactly what it is I've thought about. Only that I'm scared and I have no idea how it'll go. I'm no stranger to sex or sex with strangers. I wouldn't say I've 'slept around' but I've had two boyfriends before Kade....Kade is a different story and not a good one, one I can't get away from. Mine and JJ's chapter of sex. And then a few random people I've met at parties.
Hooking up with someone is like pretending to be into them until it's over except you're not pretending it's just an in the moment thing.
I stopped having sex for sex. It turned into a distraction thing, a high I'd chase to distract myself from the pain and then when it was over I felt disgusting and sick inside. I haven't enjoyed sleeping with anyone in a while..JJ was different and maybe that's why it worked the way it did. It wasn't like two people who are in love but it wasn't a causal hook up with a stranger either and I didn't feel like ripping my skin off afterwards. Only it had to stop before it messed our relationship up.
