The Deal

Chapter Seven

•:Humiliate Me:•

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"You know I love you right" Kade asks and I feel nausea bubble in my stomach as he slides his fingers along my jaw, forcing me to look at him. I nod, wanting to pull away and put space between us but I don't. "Of course I do" I smile before he leans down and presses his lips to mine. The kiss is there but I feel nothing.

There's no warmth that fills my chest, or tingles in my fingers, butterflies in my stomach. Maybe there was in the beginning but if there ever was I don't remember. It's been buried.

He pulls away, keeping his fingers along my jaw. His gaze holding mine. His eyes are soft the way someones would be if they were smiling at or admiring something but there's something too cold in the almost black color of them.
It's moments like these where I manipulate myself into not seeing it. I convince myself we're okay and he loves me. I shove down the abuse and focus on the tiny fleck of warmth in his gaze that's aimed at me.. It's aimed at me..
There's something there for me.

There's nothing there for me, it's only his manipulation, of course he'd know how to physically appear to make it seem genuine. I'm not that stupid. I'm quite the opposite.
But I'll keep pretending.

Don't intelligent people tend to have bigger imaginations anyways?

In my imagination he loves me.

He kisses me once more before grabbing his back pack and leaving through the side door of my room.
Leaving me standing alone in the same room he threw me to the floor in just a few days ago.
He apologized like he always does but it's always followed by what 'I did that made him do it'..

If I just hadn't said what I said. Or pushed him too far. It's always something I did that led to it and he almost always says something to the affect that I'm such a handful to deal with, I should be lucky he puts up with me.

I feel a shiver run up my spine, my eyes are dry as they stare out the window where the driveway is now empty, I watched him drive away five minutes ago. I zoned out again.

I'm only grateful he 'felt bad' enough to bring me some stuff. Although I know he didn't feel bad at all and it's just part of his manipulating and pretending to be sorry.
It isn't much but it's enough oxy to get me somewhere..
I lied my way around telling him my 'dealer' left town in hopes he'd know someone else to go to but he mostly ignored my subtle way of asking. Maybe at some point I can ask again.

I need to find someone to buy from. I need money and..I need it.
It isn't easy finding someone to sell to you so you can turn around and tell it. Nobody wants to wait for they're money until I have it to pay them back and some to keep and that's the arrangement I need right now.
Rafe was the only one and look where that got me.
The thought of it creeps in again and I pull my fingers to my mouth, pressing them into my lips to try and ease the nausea. My stomach turns and I feel sweat itch my skin. He hasn't requested me yet. I can only hope he's occupied enough to keep it that way. I've racked my brain over what it'll be like, the tension, the awkwardness, the humility. No matter how much I think it over I can't make any outcome of it. I simply can't imagine how mortifying it will be.