𝗮𝗻𝘆𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝗲𝗹𝘀𝗲, steven conklin

♯ 𝟯𝟮 a giddy puddle of nothingness

✸  ANYONE ELSE
chapter thirty-two ━━ a giddy puddle of nothingness

          IT HAD BEEN a few hours since the eight teenagers had opened the doors to the party, and the sound of loud music accompanied by the smell of alcohol, sweat, and a bit of puke had taken over the house.

Steven had gotten a couple of drinks, and he could already feel the world becoming fuzzier around him.

The voice of the girl who stood next to him was reduced to a faint buzz in his ears when he caught sight of her blue nails. It reminded him of the girl who usually took up all the space in his mind, and he immediately started looking around for her.

When he didn't spot her, he started moving around the house and eventually outside when his search inside was unsuccessful.

There, on the bare terrace deck, he found her. She was sitting cross legged with her hands in her lap. Her blonde hair was escaping the ponytail she had made earlier, and he got the urge to put it behind her ears like he had done so many times before.

"Julie?" he called out when he got closer, eyes still locked on her head as she slowly turned around to face him.

She didn't say anything before he came to a halt beside her.

"This isn't what my mom would have wanted." her words came softly, almost like a whisper.

For a moment, he just sat there, staring into the distance, but then it was as if the words finally registered in his head, and he abruptly stood up.

"You don't know that." he said, the words coming out harsher than he expected.

"What?" she looked at him, confused by his words.

"I said," he took a wobbly step back and she immediately got to her feet, lending him a helping hand. "You don't know that."

Looking at the lost expression on her face, he suddenly felt way stronger. "You don't know what Susannah would have wanted. None of us do! And even if we did, we shouldn't live our lives just to do what she wanted. She's gone, and you have to accept that!"

Startled, Julie took a step back. "But," her voice broke, and he almost regretted his outburst. "You don't understand."

Her words brought back the fury that her voice momentarily removed. "Then explain it to me!" All his pent up frustration from the last weeks were finally coming out, and he felt like a weight had been lifted from his chest. "You always just say that no one understands, but how about you try explaining it to someone! Maybe they would be able to help you!"

Her eyes glazed over at the harsh tone of his voice and she stuttered when she finally answered. "I- I just feel like she's still here, you know? When I make all decisions like she would want me to, then- then . . . I'm keeping her alive in some way,"

He sighed and walked over to her, placing both hands on her shoulders and lightly shaking her. "Your mom wouldn't want that. She would want you to do what you want to. So instead of asking the stupid voices in your head, maybe you should ask yourself. Do you want to do everything alone? Do you want to go to fucking Yale?!" his voice quieted down towards the last words: "Do you want to keep pushing me away?"

She was silent for a moment, and he took that as an answer, backing away from her.

"No," her voice was barely a whisper, but he heard and stopped in his track.

"What?" he asked.

"N- no." she said. "I don't want to push you away."

She took a step closer to him, and then one more and again another until they at last stood face to face. She could faintly smell his cologne; the smell that had comforted her so many times and still did, even though she would never admit it. Her hand tentatively moved to rest on the side of his face, the feeling of his skin beneath her fingers reminding her of the many moments they had spent together.

"I don't want to push you away," she repeated in a whisper, her breath fanning his face slightly.

He felt himself relax beneath her touch, almost melting into a giddy puddle of nothingness as she looked up at him with her bright blue eyes. He wanted to kiss her. Every bone in his body ached for him to close the almost nonexistent space between their lips and revel in the feeling he had missed so incredibly much in the last months, but he didn't. He didn't move an inch, afraid that the slightest movement would startle her, make her realise how close they were. He didn't want to ever move.

"Can I . . ." she hesitated. "Can I kiss you?"

Inside his head, he was screaming. His entire body was screaming with joy at her words. "Yes!" his words were loud, and broke the intimate silence they had created, but it didn't matter.

She stood up on her tip-toes to reach him better, not hesitating for another second before connecting their lips.

Steven felt like his entire body was on fire as he placed his hands her lower back, his fingers brushing the bare skin between her trousers and the white summer top she was wearing.

Even when they pulled apart, his hands stayed firm in place.

"I'm sorry for shouting at you," he whispered.

"Don't apologise," she smiled softly. "I think I needed to be shouted at . . . I'm sorry for the way I've behaved. You're right. Mum would want me to do exactly what I want."

"You shouldn't apologise either." he lightly shook his head. "I know it's hard for you. I just want to be allowed to help you."

"Well, I guess you have my permission," she looked down at their intertwined hands and found herself smiling.

"Do I also have your permission to shout a bit at your brothers? I think they could need it."

✸ author's note ✸
merry christmas!! i hope u all had an amazing day, even if u don't celebrate! 🎄❤️

i've been waiting to write this ever since i started act two, and i tried to do my best but it's my first draft and i didn't feel like editing too much so i hope it's fine!!

thank u so much if you're still reading this, it means the world to me <333 i love u all so much, you're truly the best readers in the world