the Lost & Unfound : my diary

.2.

<1.1.24>

I'm not sure how to start this entry, so I will just say Happy New Year and see how it goes from there.

I feel the need to get back into my hobbies again. Ones that I actually spent hours upon hours doing without a break. When I try to do something like drawing now, it feels so damn difficult to maintain my motivation to keep going after making a lot of mistakes.

Having a hobby right now would be so useful. I'm not sure if I'm saying that because I genuinely want to have a hobby, or if I just want a distraction from constantly thinking about my loneliness. It's probably both I would say.

Honestly, I think about doing my hobbies way more than actually doing them. I constantly fantasise about writing the story that I have been planning in my head for months, and I'm always humming little melodies in my head for new songs I want to compose, or perhaps I'm imagining different drawings of my OCs that I could've drawn by now if I put the work and effort into practising my drawing skills. But no, instead my only so called 'hobby' is endlessly scrolling through social media until my eyes start to strain.

I also talked to an old friend today, that hasn't really been up to date with my life for the past couple of months/years. Talking and venting to them made me realise that people can only 'understand' and empathise with what you're going through, but peoples' experiences are always so different so you could never truly understand what somebody is going through. I always try my best to understand others' hardships without making it seem like I actually 'get' what they're going through. I feel like I'm allowed to say that I put a lot of effort into making sure of that, because I really do care about it. However, not everyone is going to do the same for me, and that's something I feel as though I need to try and help myself accept somehow.

At times like these—even when I feel like I'm suffering and crumbling apart—I try not to show understanding even for those who tell me that 'everyone experiences what I'm experiencing' even though that completely rots me to the core.

For some odd reason, people saying that they have experienced the same thing as me and then saying 'I'm not alone' doesn't exactly make me feel comforted. In a way, it kind of makes me feel like my own experience is being pushed away to the side, and being generalised as one big experience that everyone has had. I get that saying this has no bad intention, but I tend to take every good thing the wrong way and it's kind of annoying and frustrating when others are trying to do their best for me and I'm just here 'not taking their comfort'. Maybe it's because I want to be told that in a particular way, in a way that makes me feel like my own person but also not isolated from everyone at the same time. I kind of feel like I'm asking for too much, but I know it's possible because I have that one friend that knows exactly how to help me with my emotion regulation.

The first day of the year has been a little rough. I was struggling to think of what to write here for the second day, but I've now kind of realised that I just need to start writing about anything really, and my thoughts will all float into place as I write. I think I need to trust myself a little more and not worry about whether any of this that I'm writing makes sense or not. Besides, the point of this was to help me find myself, so it doesn't have to necessarily be perfect. I hope that I can get used to this.

Happy New Year, me. :)

—Yuna