<13.2.24>
My anger feels so unbearable right now. It hurts. I feel like if I move a single bit, I'm going to break something. But, holding it in only is causing me more pain. I can start to feel warm tears welling up in my eyes, and I feel just so frustrated. I can't.
I was anxious and panicky before. I was about to have a good time crying over my abandonment issues. But I liked it. I was fine with it. I felt great. I felt so comforted by the fact that I felt like absolute shit. But now I actually, feel like shit.
I want to scream and bash my head into a brick wall. I feel like crying. I am crying. I can't breathe. I don't want to hear anything. I don't want to speak with anyone. I just want the world to be so fking deadly quiet right now, or I will burst. I'm so frustrated. It's stupid.
~~~
I'm adding to this after an hour now.
I feel like I can't even be sad anymore in my home. It's like I'm not allowed to feel sad. It's like every time I am sad, it's just that there's another inconvenience that needs to be solved.
I'm lying in bed in the dark now, after I've told my mother that I said I would do my work. If she sees me doing absolutely nothing productive or beneficial in my room, she won't be happy with me. But the thing is, I'm more frustrated with me than she is.
I really fking hate myself, and I try to find every opportunity to tell myself that even though it's not doing me good.
I hate that I can't be sympathetic but I can be empathetic. It's so fking stupid that I can be so understanding and show a lot of empathy, but as soon as I'm put in a position where I have to express sympathy, it goes downhill and I make the other person feel like a burden. And it sucks that people have indirectly told me that already when I try to convince myself that it's not true. I hate that I can't express that feeling of sorrow for the other person without making others feel like a burden.
Just simple little things like this make me want to abuse myself until it feels like a sufficient amount of pain to balance out the 'damage' I did.
I just feel like such a horrible person. I feel like a fking inconvenience to everyone. I don't want to face anyone.
I'm so annoyed at myself. I hate myself.
—Yuna
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the Lost & Unfound : my diary
बेतरतीबA book about my search for my 'home' in this world, my cries for help and comfort, seeking for hope/happiness, my vents about absolutely everything... and if you've come across this, hi! My name is Yuna :)
