the Lost & Unfound : my diary

.29.

<29.1.24>

Today felt a bit rough. I was feeling so exhausted, dizzy and anxious the whole day. That's about how much I remember, because the rest of the day was a blur.

Apart from that, I just came back with a conversation with my dad, which was kind of frustrating but I'm okay. It was interesting, because I was teaching my own parent how to be a better parent. If this were me years ago, I would never even question my parents' decisions even if it hurt me. But now, I for some reason feel like I've gained that confidence to do that, but it feels so odd.

Anyway, after having that conversation, a thought came to me. I've always wondered for the past year or so why the thought of having my own child wasn't a 'bad idea'. In fact, I wanted to have a future child. This felt so strange to me, because I've always disliked children so much. But then it just occurred to me why I didn't hate the idea of having my own child.

As a person who has had many miscommunications and conflicts with my own parents, over time I have developed a lot of understanding about why I do the things I do. As my own personal 'psychologist', my empathy for things has developed a lot over these past couple of years, and my mindset is a lot less fixed.

I also find that I enjoy teaching other people things to help get through things that I know I've been through, and helping them knowing that I've already found the answer.

If I were to have a child or somebody that deeply 'looks up to me', I would ever only want them to feel understood and comfortable. I want to teach them valuable things. And, I don't want them to have conflict with their parents because of misunderstandings like I did.

I find this quite interesting, and I love analysing myself and my habits. Getting to know myself is one of my favourite topics :)

It's very therapeutic, and I wish to learn about myself more going forth.

—Yuna