the Lost & Unfound : my diary

.14.

<13.1.24>

I'm back again. It's still the same day as the previous entry I wrote. Honestly, it feels like I wrote that entry yesterday for some reason, I'm not sure why.

Anyway, my day didn't seem to improve at all today. It didn't improve, nor 'get worse'. I think the best way to describe it was that I got to a level where it was bearable enough for me, and I maintained that level for the majority of my day by endlessly scrolling through videos on YouTube/Instagram.

My friend was kind of 'busy' today—or that's how I seemed to perceive it— so I decided to make myself feel even more 'busy' without being busy.

I recently set up this new focus mode on my phone, where I have the 'do not disturb' function for all of my apps, and I also created a seperate page on my phone that has all the apps I allow myself to use, such as YouTube, Pinterest, Notes and a couple games, but I excluded things that could emotionally 'hurt me' like my messaging apps and Instagram and so on.

Other than that, I'm starting to feel my anxiety creep up on me again because my senior years of high school are going to start really soon, and I feel so fking unprepared physically and mentally. I've been using this whole two month break to 'rest' but I've barely felt like I've rested. I had 2-3 times this whole holiday that I had a planned hang out with a friend. Usually I wouldn't feel so down about that, but after seeing all of these people on Instagram travelling to places while I haven't left my home for years, hanging out with their friends 2-3 times a week— I just can't help but feel so sad and annoyed and just so jealous. Just... really jealous. I understand that I'm only ever seeing their life through what they post, but I still can't help but let this emotions stab me in the back like I've done something wrong.

In a way, as much as I'm dreading going back to school, I'd love to spend time with people who are also doing the same things as someone like me everyday. Because of all of that, it's kind of my motivation to be happy about going back into the school environment, and I find that kind of stupid.

As I'm writing this, I know it makes sense in my head but I have no idea if I'm executing my words correctly onto paper, but I guess it doesn't really matter too much because I'm just trying to vent.

I'm surprised I wrote this much, considering I just came here to 'say I was still sad'. A lot really does go through my head. For some reason I do actually find myself constantly fascinated by my own self. Anyway, I do hope tomorrow is at least 2% better than today... :)

—Yuna