Let my fires protect you || Kaz Brekker X Reader

18. Hello Fjerda

The past two days were relatively peaceful. I had started healing more, I was even capable of laughter without keeling over in pain. The day I emerged was chaotic and I knew nothing but pain and anger when I emerged from below deck. 

Now, I was enjoying the quiet as people got on with managing the deck. I enjoyed the air here, it wasn't like Ravka's, which was fresh but humid, this was cold and clear, I reveled in it. Either way though, both were better than Ketterdam's.

"I want to show you something." My muscles tensed as I heard his voice. I was doing my best to avoid Kaz in fear I'd set the ship on fire but I was also aware that I'd have to speak to him at some point. "Which is?" My voice was colder than I intended. He lays Wylan's map of the ice court between us, "I've seen it. What do you want me to do?"

"You're coming with me to the prisons with the Fjerdan."

"Why?"

Kaz Pov -

To keep you safe was the answer he wanted to say, but he couldn't. "You'll be useful if there are problems."  She looked at the map and the plans in more detail and put her finger on the escape route, "I don't trust this."

"Me neither, but that's why the Fjerdans built it that way." 

"Are Wylan and Matthias sure there aren't any other possiblities?" For a moment I admired the fact she was looking for other options and then I stopped the thought immediately as well as the warm feeling in my chest. "No. Unless you want to melt your way though solid ice."

"I'll keep that in mind when I have to save your ass." My lip curled into a smirk that I couldn't help. I saw her rage and frustration the past two days and I knew I was a cause of it, Inej had voiced her criticisms of the word  'Investment' used on her best friend. She didn't even give me a chance to say anything before slamming the door to my quarters. "I heard Pekka Rollins was the one gunning for us in the harbour." I felt my jaw clench, "So?"

"Don't think I've noticed your vendetta against him, Kaz." She hadn't the slightest clue about my vendetta. "He's just another boss, one more barrel thug to remove from the chessboard."

"No, he isn't." She paused and it was suffocating. "When you go after the other gangs, it's business. But with Pekka, it's personal." I didn't know what to say, the air felt heavy around me. I felt like the truth had to be told in some form, "Pekka Rollins killed my brother." The air became weaker, but heat radiated from her. She was angry. Is that what I wanted? For her to feel angry? To have this powerful being capable of summoning flames in less than a heartbeat to want revenge for me? "Why isn't he dead already?"

"Death is too good for him. He needs to be destroyed, brick by brick." 

"I hope your brother is in peace somewhere." She looked at me with a glow in her eyes that didn't scream murder, it was kindness, sympathy. We were stood over the railing almost shoulder to shoulder. Normally I'd move away instantly, feeling unclean, stained, hands and other parts all over my skin. The air started feeling thick, overwhelming, so I moved away taking a step back from the rail. "I don't want your hope." She turned around to face me, "What do you want then?" Her eyes pierced into mine and I became fearful of what I was feeling. I wanted to say the usual answers, money, vengeance, power, Jordie's voice in my head silenced forever. I tried to open my mouth to say them but I couldn't, they were all lies now and in the state she's brought me too she'd know. She was I wanted after all.

I slapped the thought out of my head immediately, it was unwelcome and had to be untrue. Nothing could get in the way of  a plan years in the making.  My eyes pierced through hers, "To die buried under the weight of my own gold." She rolled her eyes, she was dissapointed in me. "Why did I even ask? The answer was so obvious."

"And what do you want, (Y/n)?"

Y/n Pov -

I wasn't quite sure. My head and heart were screaming different answers and it was just painful. My head screamed that it was to be free, away from Ketterdam, away from Heleen. Maybe I'd go to Ravka learn more about myself and get better control of my emotions so I don't burn things when ever I have a gods damned panic attack. My heart screamed at me another thing, to stay in Ketterdam, stay with him. I would defend him and the dregs with every inch of my power, I'd be there always to defend him, protect him. I told him what my head told me to say.

"Well then, your share of thirty million kruge should help with that. So save your hope for good weather and stupid guards. Just leave me out of it." With that he left and my heart cracked. His voice was so full of spite, what had I said wrong this time? Maybe I shouldn't have hoped anything for his brother, maybe my involvement into such a personal situation, even with such a thing as hope, was unwarranted and unhelpful to Kaz. He's suffered through this for so long, no wonder he is who he is.

I laughed at how I had changed my mind on him so quickly, I guess I was still heavily pissed at him for calling me an investment but it was an ember of the inferno it was now after that. I mainly felt sympathy for him now, I wonder what he was like before his brother died.

~

 I had been stuck with Nina being tailored to having brown eyes and blonde hair when we arrived. I took a deep breath as I put my foot on Fjerdan soil and the moment my foot hit the snow an overwhelming sense of dread hit me. I started walking immediately to Djerholm and heard them bickering already, despite our situation I looked back and smiled. My eyes returned to our mission the moment they landed on Kaz. After he had confided in me, my mind was always drifting back to that exact moment. I had scoffed at the need for redemption in his eyes that I initially felt and at some point in the night my heart started feeling heavy whenever he was in my line of sight. They looked at the schooner saying one goodbye.

"Alright, can we go now? It's fucking freezing and we have a heist to do." 

"Why are you so desperate to get to Djerholm, Y/n? You of all people should be savouring the time we have until we arrive. " Jesper asked, "I'm also desperate to leave and to do that we have to do this heist."

"She's right, let's get moving." Kaz stated. I was quick to form my smile into a smirk aimed at Jesper.