LIFE OF ARWA(ON HOLD)

. 24

Its already been a week after saad's death, and i still wasn't ready to accept the reality

I haven't shed a single tear nor have i slept

I do go downstairs to eat with my family, but then im back to room immediately

Alot of people came and preached to me, telling me to be patient. Everything happens for a reason.

"Allah da ya halicce shi, kuma ya fimu son shi ya anshi abunshi."

I cant even count how much ive heard that sentence

I know that saad is no more, im just not ready to accept the reality without him

Even before i started dating saad, he was still there at all times

He was a brother, best friend, boyfriend, mentor, and much more

I was in my closet folding my clothes. I decided to give some out as sadaqah then arrange the remaining.

At least it got me busy, before the door was opened and four heads walked in

I was surprised to see khairat, basma, hauwa and EVEN fatima here

It was normal for the rest of them to come see me, they come see me and go to fatima too everyday.

But seeing fatima here wasn't normal. She was supposed to be with her family

"Keh, what are you doing here?" I asked with surprise evident on my face

"Mama adopted me. Ive moved here." She sat next to basma, but I couldn't take my eyes off her

Her resemblance with saad was striking

Ive always known they looked alike, but it has never been THIS visible. I don't know if its because he was late, or because that was the first time i was seeing her since the day.

I blinked away before I also went to sit with them on the carpet

"How are you? Im so sorry, i didn't come see you. I was selfish."

"Please please please, which one is selfish? Its good you didnt come ma, that house is a nightmare. Ba space, you'll turn there and see that one crying, turn there that one has fainted."

Her words made us chuckle

She can never be serious

"So its fine really. And im actually serious about spending the night."

"I appreciate you came to my place."

"Ehn i told her to come to my place nau, tace no. Ita seh arwa ta sani." Hauwa mumbled fanning herself with her veil

"Niiiiiii. Rufa min asiri. You and your husband will not let me breath with oppression."

We laughed and went back into the room because it was more ventilated

They all stayed till we prayed Maghrib, basma and khairat left first, before hauwa was set to leave

She said adnan volunteered to pick her up because he wants to speak to me

I didn't know what he wants to talk about and i didn't have the strength to think about what it is

When he arrived, hauwa bade me and said she'll wait for him in the car

I wrapped a brown thick veil around my body and walked downstairs

I checked and saw him in the smaller living room

I don't know why this guy decided to sit on the carpet not the couch, but i sat opposite him on the floor nevertheless

It wasn't until he said my name, i realized i didn't say anything when i came in

"Sorry. Assalamualaikum."

He smiled a little

"Its fine. Waalaikumussalam."

"Whose death did you come to inform me yau?" I joked remembering how mama told me they weren't confident enough to come tell me about saad, until adnan came

Im glad he understood my humour because he chuckled a little, which was something huge for adnan

"Im relieved you're able to make jokes."

I nodded with a smile before he spoke

"How are you feeling?"

I made myself more comfortable by crossing my legs

"I really dont know. I feel like i want to pause everything. I want everything to stop until im ready to accept everything. I want to go somewhere quiet, koh qaran tsuntsu bana son ji."

"You're not ready to accept the reality without him?"

"I guess so."

"You have to accept it arwa, or it'll affect you."

"Adnan..." I started but he cut me off

"I know you're not ready for that, but that's how harsh the world is. You have to let yourself know that he's not coming back, he's gone, for good. You're never going to see him again, and the only thing you can do for him is include him in your prayers. You have to accept it because thats the only  way you can feel at ease. Thats why our minds are programmed to forget, if we weren't able to forget things alot of people would have gone mad. But for you to forget, you have to accept it first."

"I can never forget saad."

"I know. And i don't want you to forget him also. I want you to hold unto your memories and accept that hes gone. Saad ya rasu, he's feet deep in the ground, and he's not coming back."

Among all the people that have talked to me about saad's death, no one was this harsh to me with the words

Was it what i needed to hear all along? Because for the first time since the day at the hospital, i felt my eyes getting moist with tears

"I really hate you." I croaked feeling a tear slide down my face

"Thats what i want. At least we'll know that you're able to feel emotions in you. Cry, you'll feel better."

I held his gaze for some seconds before i stood up after my tears betrayed

I ran up the stairs to my room and locked the door immediately i entered

Fatima was by my side in seconds, holding me, as we slid down crying in each other's embrace

I let out everything i didn't even know i was holding deep inside

-. -. -. -. -. -. -. -. -. -. -. -.. -. -. -.. -. -. -. -. -. -. -. -.

I didn't know how serious it was when people said crying helps you feel better till today

I cried so much with fatima, she fell asleep afterwards, and i went down stairs to eat since we skipped dinner

Just to see ya ammar in the parlor, holding his phone which had a picture they took recently

I sat with him and together again, we cried till we were content

"He told me you reconciled with each other."

"We did, since the day it happened. But I still regret it."

I sighed and placed my head on his legs

"He kept telling me to let it go, that its not a big issue. Even in the hospital, he told me not to fight with you."

A tear slipped down rethinking the fresh memory

"Saad was a good person, too good for this world. He is in a better place."

"He is." I whispered and again, for the first time in 8 days, i fell in a deep sleep