The Things We Do For Happiness

I'm just standing there

'Son, does she mean that much to you?' my step dad asked.

'Dad, I'm just confused and I don't know anything but I miss her. That's all I know'.

He paused, I saw consideration pass through his eyes...damn the empathy the guy who's not even related for me feels...I...

As I was trying hard to interpret his thoughts, I could see hesitation...

'Listen...it takes a lot of money to fly out but I'll...talk to my coworkers...I'll say it's really important and ask but you only get two days'.

'Thank you so much'.

He paused again. For a second, I was confused. He came up to me, close and wrapped his arms around me. As his comfort pressed into my skin, he softly whispered 'You're welcome'. Wow.

As soon as I got to the airport, I took a cab straight for the school where they would be having their prom.  

Then the stress got to me, what on earth am I gonna say to her?

'Hey, I'm back after I abandoned you!'

'Hey, you're the best girl I've ever met but I left you after I promised I wouldn't but who cares because I expect us to be perfectly normal after everything I did!'

'I've been attempting to not think about you for the last half a year because I'm that selfish and I just need everything to be about me being happy!'

'I was attracted to you but I want no real romantic commitment! Come on let's hug and still be best friends for eternity!'

None of those seemed right. Ughhh. Why am I such an idiot?

I've come to the conclusion that I have no idea what on earth I'm gonna say to her. What can I say to her? What am I supposed to?

I gather my courage and walk into the gym room where the blue lights are flashing and they're playing 'Just the way you are' by bruno mars. I know, it's old but it's such a classic, sweet.

I don't see her at first so I grab a corner to observe the room while also not drawing much attention. 

There's that nerd who always makes a fool of himself, wherever he goes...I feel bad for him at this point, though I'm wondering what the reason is that he's so immune to embarrassment. He does a series of moves from the 80s- first is 'Raise the roof', then 'The cabbage Patch', then the 'Roger Rabbit'. I know this because he literally came up to me and gave me a ten minute speech on this for no reason. About three seconds later, I wondered why the crap I'm still watching him and refocused to what I'm supposed to be doing.

Next, there was this couple dancing quite intimately. They were so tightly impact with each other when the song wasn't even that slow. Hmmn...good for them.

Then I found her, the prettiest girl there..with auburn hair..beautiful eyes...all to die for.

But what I saw..l...

She was dancing with this boy, his hands tightly around her waist. Her face on his chest and for some moments, she would turn her face on his chest so that they could face each other and just be centimeters away. 

I just stood there. Watching. 

What is she doing dancing with him? Why him? He's not even that athletic or smart, he's just a jerk? Nevermind him, what is she doing dancing that close to anyone?

Am I jealous? I'm not supposed to be? I didn't like her seriously, it was just a small crush. This isn't supposed to mean anything.

Then time stopped. He lent forward, took his hands and in such a gentle way held her face then kissed her. HE KISSED HER. Shit. And then she smiled.

It was like my heart stopped working or didn't want to anymore. It was like the blood in my veins stopped moving. It was like this pain was so painful that all the tears I was supposed to cry dried out because they didn't have to strength to come.  Is it all over now?

I keep telling my self that she's just a friend, I'll meet other girls but I've lost it and it's no use. Shit. What in hell happened?  I'm struggling to catch my breath. I'm trying so hard here. I'm just standing here while she's kissing and dancing with some other guy. I repeat. I'm just standing here and I'm not the guy she's dancing with.