The Things We Do For Happiness

Then she said 'that's a wrap'

It's been two months since the incident.

I need to work on myself, I've been observing myself and there's something evidently wrong with me. 

I've had a few therapy sessions, I don't want to admit it but I think they've helped. It's not the fact that I've gotten better that strikes me but rather what she was trying to teach me.

She explained love like this: Moving on doesn't mean you forget about things. It just means that you have to accept what happened and continue living. 

On my part, I did my all in reminding her constantly that I would not change my mind.

Finally, she asked me this one question. 'Do you think Emaline truly cares about you?'Of course, I replied with yes...even if she's buried it. 'Then would she want you to go down the rabbit hole again and again?' Damn.

'Here's another one'

'What about if it was the other way round, would you want Emaline to miserably chase you forever?' Damn again.

Everybody wants me to move on. But what if I can't? What if I don't want to ever imagine a moment where we're not together? 'What if I can't live knowing that we're not meant to be?' 'What if I'm not made for such cruelty? 'What if I'm not that strong?'.

During my latest session, I asked her 'What if this is too much trauma? I'll never be able to understand how I lost everything in seconds? 

'You can spend hours, days, months over analyzing a situation. Trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened...or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move on'. That definitely hurt to hear.

She then said. 'Arlo you need to understand yourself. You don't right now'.

'Maybe I stopped the day my mom left'

'Then start now'.

'Love works like this. You get what is meant to be, sometimes it's not always what we expect but it's where we are supposed to be. If you two are meant to be, then things will work out but it's your job to accept it, whatever it may be'.

What if I'm not ready? What if I never am? 

'I don't want to let go. Not now, not ever'.

Maybe it's the only thing I can do.

Then she asked. 'Arlo, do you love yourself?'

Love myself? 

'You don't. How can you know how to love someone if you don't love yourself? How can you say you know love when you can't feel it for yourself?'

Then she said that's a 'wrap' and left me drowning.