The Things We Do For Happiness

Arlo

Why is that I do the stupidest things for the stupidest reasons? it's like when Im engraved and trapped in my mind then I am destined to feel the pain to the end.

But I'm over it all now. Whatever the hell I was tryna do, whatever distraction I was tryna find. No matter what I do or how hard I try, I end up in the same freaking hole I've made for myself. Why? Because I was tryna find happiness. THE THINGS I DID FOR HAPPINESS!

How was I supposed to find happiness though? 

It took years of one step farther from self denial, from the pain I didn't want to feel. 

Now that I think of it, I had always been tryna block my pain and I used to never wanted to say it's name but now I think of it and everything just breaks down.

The pieces, they used to shrivel before but maybe my pain makes me. It defines me, my experiences, how I cope with it.

I can feel the air against my lungs, though they're covered by my  skin. 

'You got a message from Emaline'.

'I got your letters, I don't know how to write this or how I'm supposed to.

But we've had years apart and we're different people.

I always thought it all happened and ended the way it did because you weren't a good person.

The first few days, I missed you worse than hell, God knows. Just denying it all, wishing, hoping that you were a better person. 

I said I loved you in my own messed up way and you never came back, you left me, acting like what we had was a worthless fling. Did you think so little of me? 

I observed you for so freaking long, you never loved me the way I loved you, you never loved me at all.

How could you do that? Arlo? How could you break my heart?

Thinking about it, I thought you were my fantasy, but I was in a fantasy. They all say it's foolish, stubborn, insane, the way I held onto you, the way I kept you close to my heart, in hate or in love.

Maybe my mother leaving wasn't the worst thing that ever happened to me. It was you. You leaving me.

How could you?

I wish you were a better person. I'm probably better off on my own, there is an indefinite damage done to me. And out of all the people on earth, it was you.

I'm not in anger. I've got no malice. No need for revenge. I'm just regretful. 

We would've worked out if you were a better person.

I wish you were. 

I'm only writing this to let it out. 

Goodbye'

I remembered the line again 'It defines me, my experiences, how I cope with it'...how? Will I? Do I want to?

Am I supposed to embrace this? Can I? How am I supposed to react?