The Things We Do For Happiness

At some point

'I- I thought I was okay but dad...for as long as my heart beats...how am I supposed to forget her?'

I go on some more because I don't know why but now that I've let go, I can't stop.

'What we had was so beautiful, she is beautiful inside out. If I had anything at all, when I didn't have all this...it was her. She could have left me so long ago? Been on everyone else's side when they shamed me for my life but she stood by me. She never gave up on me'.

And some more...yikes....

'What was I to her? Selfish...selfish to her. I left her, I left my heart. I let her go through the pain alone of facing what she never wanted to believe. How could I do that? How could I be so cold? She said she wishes that I was a better person and I wisht that I was too'.

He's baffled, somewhat disoriented. 

'Let me ask you this. Years from now, where do you see yourself? And I don't mean who you'll be with. What I mean is what do you think will make you happy?'

It's an interesting question, strange that all those therapy sessions should have meant that I found the answer, that I was sure.

I can't think, maybe I don't want to.

'Do you think you could marry her? Is what you feel for her that strong?'

'I do'.

'Are you happy right now?'

What type of a question is that? Obviously not. Is her oblivious to my expression of complete dismay? 

'Sometimes we have hard times but we still have this inner peace, that you know where you are and eventually you'll live through it? Do you have that?'

'I was trying to get there but I don't think I am'

'Son that's not love. That's hurt and that hurt causes the denial to move on'.

'If you guys are meant to be, if you are the one for Emaline if she is the one for you then don't you trust that the cards will align. Maybe 10 years from now, you'll have her or you won't. But if you let that stop you from having that peace. If you think that if ya'll don't end up together then you can't go on. Then that is denial. Love is when you love someone more than you love yourself, love is wanting to give them everything that you never got but love is not refusal to let go for the sake of what's best. You don't have to forget her, ever, maybe it's not possible, but maybe keep walking. Don't stop just because you got lost once. That's what life is. You just gotta be brave...resilient even'.

I have to...don't I? At some point.