mon amant, mon soleil

9

Beyoncé | Los Angeles, California

"Mama, I was scared as hell. In all our years of marriage or dating, I've never seen her in that state. She was so out of it—shaking and all. She barely coherent enough to hear that I was calling her name" I told Mama who I was laying on solemnly.

I went to see my mother after Lori's breakdown as she wanted some time alone to get her thoughts in order. I felt no problem for her to want time or herself but I was hesitant to leave as I didn't want her to have another panic attack and I wasn't there to help her but, she reassured me multiple times that she was fine now and that I didn't need to worry. She was gonna bury herself in work to stop from thinking. That probably wasn't healthy but it was the only option she had.

"What else did she say?" Mama asked as she stroked my head. "She wasn't feeling like herself. She felt like she was moving on auto pilot with her past thoughts taking over her" I sighed out. "I don't know how to help her. This is something she dealt with for over nine years, something she's tried to keep inside and hidden by her strong, confident exterior but she's hurting on the inside and that's hurting me" I told Mama.

I felt so useless and confused. Usually Lori was always so calm and collected when it came to her emotions and it was me who would be the emotional breakdown. Now the roles are flipped and I don't know how to help her.

"I don't know how you can help her, physically. I know you can be there for her emotionally. Just let her know that you are there for her. What she went through all those years ago was traumatic. She decided on keeping everything in. Lori is strong, but even the strongest people can break. She may not be broken yet, but she's close to it. You just have to be there for her" Mama told me and I nodded, listening to her words thoroughly.

I could do that.

I stayed with Mama for a few more hours before leaving when Richard got home. I drove home in silence, my thoughts solely on Lori as to how I could help her.

When I made it to my house, I parked my car in the garage and got out. I walked into the house to see Chloe and Halle playing with the twins in the living room and Blue laying on the couch, scrolling through her phone.

"Hey ma" Halle said when she saw me. I gave her a small smile and hugged her tightly. "Hey baby, it feels like I haven't seen y'all in years" I told her as I kissed Chloe's head. "Same. Is it okay if I take the twins with me to Darryl and I's place? He's watching Woo and I promised to take them over to play the other day" Halle asked me and I nodded, "sure, just remind me. Has Lori been down here?" I asked them.

Blue sat up and shook her head, "no, she's been up there all day. So has Aaliyah. I've tried to talk to both of them but Liyah told me to leave her alone and maman said she was busy. Are they okay?" She asked me.

I sighed and sat on the arm of the couch, "Lori is...dealing with something. She doesn't necessarily feel well and wants to be alone. Li on the other hand, I don't know but I'll go check on her now" I told Blue as I kissed her head. She nodded and went back to looking through her phone.

I made my way upstairs and straight towards the second room to Aaliyah's and softly knocked on the door. I didn't hear anything so I knocked again and still nothing.

"Liyah baby, it's mommy. Can I come in?" I asked. Still nothing. I carefully opened the door to see Aaliyah curled up into a ball in her bed. Her body was shaking and small sobs can be heard the closer I got. I placed my hand softly on her arm as I lifted her body up and sat her in my lap as I took her previous spot and sat on the bed holding her.

"What's wrong baba?" I asked her softly. Her hands were bunching up the bottom of my shirt as she cried. "maman a l'air d'avoir peur quand elle me regarde" (mama looks scared when she looks at me) she began stuttering in French, something she did when she was highly upset, "elle ne me regarde pas" (she won't look at me) she told me as she lifted her head. "est-ce que je l'ai blessée?" (Did I hurt her?) she asked me. I shook my head no profusely as I kissed her head, "non bébé, non. maman traverse quelque chose. tu ne pourrais jamais lui faire de mal" (no baby, no. mom is going through something. you could never hurt her) I reassured her.

This whole thing is taking a toll on her so badly that she can't even look at her daughter.

"I'll talk to her okay. She's hurting but not from you or anyone else in this family okay? I promise it's not you" I told her. She nodded and nuzzled into me. "Is it...is it because of Mon père?" She asked hesitantly. I sighed, not wanting to lie to her but also not wanting to tell her too much. "Don't lie mommy. I know she's been acting weird since I asked her about him. I knew I shouldn't have asked since she never brought him up but—I was curious" she told me guilty. I kissed her head, "it's okay to be curious baby. We knew it was gonna be sooner or later until you began to ask and she thought she was ready to face it but she actually wasn't. So, yes the conversation she had with you may have made her a little emotional" I told her.

I hated that Aaliyah was getting the back end of Lori's emotions. They had that mother daughter connection that when her mother is sad, so is she and in vice versa. I didn't know if I was giving her any comfort as I felt like I was only half ass comforting but I guess I was doing good as she started to fall asleep in my embrace.

I waited for a bit, just until I knew she was fully asleep before sliding from under her and tucking her into the covers. I left her room and made my way to Lori's study. I didn't bother knocking and pushed it open.

Her head was deep into paper work and she snapped her neck to me when she heard the door open.

"Hey baby" she said to me. "Hey uh, can we talk?" I asked her, siting at the desk. She pushed her stuff to the side and nodded, "yeah sure" she said. "Are you afraid to look at Aaliyah?" I asked her. Her eyes went wide, looking taken back by my question. I could see her get nervous but shook her head, "no, I-I'm not" she stuttered out. I pinched the bridge of my nose, "I just watched her cry her heart out thinking she hurt you because you wouldn't look her in the eyes Lori." I told her.

I could see her hands nervously moving.

"Well—I—" she began jumbling over her words. "What is it baby, you can tell" I told her, taking her hands in mind. "She came to see me and she caught me off guard. She just...she has his eyes and I couldn't withhold myself to look at her too long. I know I shouldn't do that because she's my daughter for fuck sakes but this shit is so traumatizing—I thought I could look at her, she has 95% of my family's genes but the one thing she got from him was his eye color and shape. The same eyes that kept me up at night and it just got too much" she told me, her voice cracking at the end.

I opened my arms just in time for her to fall into them and cry. My heart was literally aching at the emotional display but I held her close, kissing her head multiple times.

"I need help" her voice weakly said. I stroked her head, "how baby? Whatever you need to get this to stop, I'll help" I told her. "Help me find him" she said after a minute. I paused and pulled back to look at her, "what?" I asked confused. "The only way I can be comfortable is I know where he is. Dead or in jail" she told me. "You told me to not do this alone, so I'm asking for your help" she told me I sighed. "But how Lori? You said he disappeared" I told her. "He did disappear and I don't actually know how but—I could try and talk to my father to see if he can help me" she told me and I raised my eyebrows.

She's willingly offering to speak to her parents?

"You're...offering to speak to them?" I asked her. She smacked her lips, "I'll willingly speak to my father, not the witch" she corrected me and I chuckled. "So, will you help?" She asked me. I puffed out my cheeks and nodded, "I'll help you, I want my baby back" I told her, kissing her lips multiple times earning a laugh from her.

__________________
Hi lovelies 🫶🏾.
I'm sorry this took so long, I had it in my drafts I just didn't publish them as I was barely on. I've been a bit stressed with college decisions and work so I'm tryna keep it together so I can graduate 💆🏾‍♀️.
Anyways, enjoy n comment n all that 🤸🏾‍♀️.