Fading Echoes

Prologue

Marriage is like a boat on the sea. Sometimes it sails smoothly, sometimes it faces storms. But the worst thing is when it starts to drift away, slowly and silently, until you realize you are too far from each other to reach out. That's when you have to decide whether to row back or let go.

Looking at him made me realize what we could've been if only I fought for him--for us. Siguro, masaya kami ngayon, siguro... kung hindi lang ako natakot. Greggy and I have been married for almost 3  years now. But not like other typical, normal couples, we don't get to share the intimacy anymore. Siguro, katulad niya, napagod nalang din siya.

And I understand. Naiintindihan ko siya because it was me who told him that I wanted to end things between us. 

But, honestly, I miss his warmth, I miss the way he looked at me before as if I was the most precious person in his life; the way he embraced me as if he was too scared to lose me... the way he held my hand as if he couldn't live without me...

We're married not for the sake of love. He fell first, but yes, I eventually fell harder. We got married dahil kailangan namin para sa mga negosyo namin. It was our parents who arranged our marriage. At first, ayaw niya. Dahil alam naman niyang hindi ko siya gusto, at hindi ako papayag sa ganoong sitwasyon. But as a daughter, I had to make sacrifices not only for our family business, but for my parents too. 

For the first few years of our marriage, Greggy was too understanding with every terms and conditions that I had to make. I drew a line between us. I was too afraid that I might fall for him when it was clear that it was just pure business. 

He cooks for me, he always drive for me, ayaw niya pa before na ipagkatiwala ako sa driver namin as long as he could, he will. He respects my boundaries--and most of all, he remained faithful.

I always told him that it's okay with me if he wants to see other women, I wouldn't mind at all. But he would always give me a stern look, nagagalit siya tuwing sinasabi ko iyon sa kaniya. Natatawa nalang din ako. Because why would you choose to remain loyal and faithful in a one-sided marriage? or worse, in a marriage that wasn't even vowed out of love.

Hindi ko siya maintindihan noon...

Not until I was the one who fell. 

That's the time I realized how important it is to keep your vow, no matter what.

But when I learned to love him...

It was all too late...

Whenever I tried to reach for him, he would distance himself; would make countless excuses just to avoid me. He would not reach my hand anymore whenever I felt scared; he would not embrace me on cold nights anymore; he would not caress my hair whenever I was having trouble sleeping; he barely looked into my eyes--if he would, I could not see the admiration he had for me before...

And I couldn't blame him. Hindi ko siya masisisi, kasi alam kong kasalanan ko. As much as I wanted to make this marriage work, hindi ko rin puwede ipilit ang hindi na puwede. I was taken aback when he called me, I immediately looked at him;

"Irene..." he was wearing a white polo and khaki pants, halatang may pupuntahan. He didn't mention anything about his schedule today. 

"hmmm?" I hummed. I'm just tending the plants, hindi ko nga namalayan na nahanap niya ako dito sa garden. 

"Alis na ako" he simply said, he looked so handsome with his fresh look. "I see... will you spend dinner here?" I asked as I put down the garden scissors. He shook his head, "no. You also don't have to wait for me or cook for me. Baka late na rin ako makakauwi" he explained, looking at me blankly. I bit my lower lip and slowly nodded my head.