it's me [muke af]

heavydirtysoul//twenty one pilots

(a/n) since i just reached 3k, i'm gonna update again. there's a sappy message on my message board, but thank you guys. so much. 

to make sure we're all on the same page, i'm gonna explain this plot. 

michael, alex, and nick are dead. ashton and calum are real. ashton and calum (and jack) were luke's affairs. he was fucking ashton when their house caught fire. michael, alex, and nick all died in the fire. 

to cope with the pain of losing his family and the guilt of cheating on his family, luke went inside his own head and got lost in a world. he got lost in a world where he didn't feel guilty about everything, he got lost in a world where his family was still alive. 

towards the end of his fake world, he begins to feel guilty again, this is when his fake world began falling apart. this is when he started to reach into reality again.

in this chapter, you find out that luke ended up marrying jack. it's up to you to imagine what happened to ashton and calum. you do not have to worry about seeing them again, they are long gone. 

there is an epilogue/thank you, so i'll finish this long message in there. 

enjoy!

heavydirtysoul//twenty one pilots

Luke cuddled into Jack's side. He rested his head on his husband's chest, curling his body closer to him. Their four year old daughter, Ezra, laid on her father's chest, his tan arms keeping her from falling off the couch.

Jack's snores filled the room, heavy breaths leaving somewhere deep in his throat. Ezra lay asleep, as well. It was far past her bed time, but she looked so peaceful on top of Jack that Luke couldn't bare to wake her up. He didn't want to ever let go of his family, not this time around.

Everything reminded Luke of his first family. From their portraits in the living room to the sleeping girl next to him. Michael wanted to name their next child Ezra, but that never happened. Ezra Clifford Hemmings-Barakat was born six years after their death, almost to the exact date. She has blue eyes, but her right eye is half green. Even without any Clifford blood in her, she seems to hold the gene down. Luke tells himself Ezra is his second chance. He tells himself that Ez is his chance to make it right, even though he knows he doesn't deserve it.

Even at four, Luke can already see the beginnings of Nick and Alex. Ezra loves to come to work with Jack and Luke. She claps her hands when they finish a track. She loves music, she's like Alex.

Ezra will wake Luke up bright and early, sometimes before the sunrise. She'll crawl up on their bed and sit on Luke's stomach until he's fully awake. Together, they'll make their way to the kitchen to make their morning cups of chocolate milk. Ezra will then tell her father about all the crazy dreams she has. Sometimes, Luke doesn't listen. He just stares at her light pink lips moving and watches her eyes shine like the night time stars. Luke wishes Nick and Alex could see the little girl, he wishes it was their little sister. They were excited for Michael's pregnancy, and no one had the chance to see it happen.

Jack scared himself awake after a large snore. He sat up straight, careful to not wake up their sleeping princess. He looked down at Luke, smiling at his husband of five years. "I think it's time for bed," he said in between yawns.

Luke smiled, "I agree."

The older man's hands picked up Ezra, stirring her awake from her slumber. She let out a whine before Jack shushed her. Jack pressed a smooch to her forehead, a smile lazy on her tired face. He rocked her back and forth all the way up to her bedroom, her blonde hair swinging in a french braid.

Luke is still in the living room. He stood up, his feet feeling weak. He doesn't feel alive after his stressful therapy session. He feels like he's just breathing most of the time, not even living. There are so many voices in his head confirming his insanity. He wants to go back into the world inside his head, he wants to go back to pretending that Michael is Ashton. That Michael is Calum. But, he knows they're not.

It's hard for Luke to accept it. It's hard to accept that he messed up his life real badly. He doesn't like to think about Michael or Ashton or Calum or Alex or Nick, but they find their way into his head, and it nearly kills him every time.

His clammy hands are folding the blanket over the side of their couch when he catches sight of the last family portrait of the Hemmings-Clifford family. It was in their old foyer, against the mellowing blue walls. Michael is smiling at Luke, who's making an annoyed face at something Alex said. Alex is laughing, holding her phone to show Nick something on her iPhone screen.

Luke is crying before he can stop. He grabs the photo, holding it closer to his watering baby blue eyes.

The photo showed their personalities so well. Yet, Luke doesn't recognize the blonde standing next to Michael. It seems like a fuzzy blur. He can't remember the exact shade of Michael's eyes, or the fuzzy feeling he got in his stomach every time he heard Michael's laugh. He can't remember the first color Alex dyed her hair, he thinks it was a blue, but it might have been a purple. He can't remember the number of guitars she owned nor her favorite brand. Luke can't remember the brand of glasses Nick wore, or the color of his eyes that hid underneath them. He can't remember whom his favorite president was, or the nerdy saying he always repeated.
Jack walked into the living room when thirty minutes passed. He didn't know why Luke hadn't come to bed yet. He found the blonde on the floor, clutching the picture in his two hands. He was rocking back and forth, full-blown waterworks free falling from his puffy eyes.

"Oh, Babe," Jack cooed. He leant on the ground next to Luke, wrapping his arms tight around the thin boy's body. He pressed his lips to his forehead, kissing him deeply. He wrapped his legs around Luke's body, holding him tightly.

"I want to die," Luke cried out, "I want to die, I want to die, I want to die!" He was shaking in his husband's arms.

Jack closed his eyes, trying to stay strong, he couldn't bare to see the love of his life so sad. He brought Luke into his lap, holding him even closer than before. "You're okay, you deserve to live. They forgive you, please forgive yourself," he repeated the words he said so often.

"I killed them, Jack! Don't you understand that?!" He turned his body, pressing his head into Jack's warm chest. He held the picture frame closer to him, his thumb running over the image of Alex and Nick. They had so much potential, they had dreams and ambitions. And, now it's over.

Jack rocked him back and forth slower and slower, trying to get him to calm down. He ran his hands up and down Luke's skinny arms then down his bony back. This is what he did when Ezra was throwing a tantrum, Luke needed the same type of compassion. He needed a reminder of Jack's love. "You did not kill them, I promise you. Everything was just really bad timing. Do not blame yourself, please."

"I really, really want to die." Luke felt his body collapsing as he dropped the picture frame to the floor. He tried to concentrate on the soothing circle being rubbed on his skin by his partner, but the tears continued to fall.

Jack hummed a tune for hours. Regardless of their need of sleep, they both continued to keep their eyes open. Jack rocked his partner back and forth, side to side. His voice speaking calming sweet nothings vibrated through Luke's body. He hugged him tighter and tighter until Luke's eyes gave way and he fell into a deep sleep.

Luke did not want to wake up, ever.

THE END