Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 1158 - 1358

Entry 1170: Tuesday 10th December 2019

Entry 1170
Tuesday 10th December 2019

Well, I made a right t*t of myself today didn't I!?

I was back at the prison doing my short shift mopping floors and wiping surfaces thinking how even though this job was better than being at The Hive with Natasha, there was still something more enjoyable and productive I could be doing. My shift was coming to an end, and I was taking my mop and bucket back to the cleaning cupboard when I noticed TJ at the end of one of the corridors queuing up with other visitors. "What are you doing here?" I asked as I approached him. "I come here every now and then speak to someone of the women inmates," said TJ, "A lot of them have had enough of liking wet lettuce so I come and give 'em a bit of juice meat to think about." "Oh, shut up," I said. "I don't shag 'em," said TJ, "I just talk dirty to 'em. Gets 'em going. It gives me a bit of a stork too. Some good material for the old w*nk bank." I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "Don't get all judgy," said TJ, "You're just jealous cos you never thought if it. "TJ," I said, "I'm not jealous. I'm not jealous at all. I have a girlfriend remember? In fact, I have a fiancée." "Yeah, and it took you ten years to stick your c*ck in her," said TJ. "Yeah, well I've stuck my c*ck in her now!" I angrily snapped at TJ, "I've stuck it in her more than once, and when I did stick it in her I stuck it in hard and deep and she loved it. She moaned liked a b*tch, cried like a whale and yelled like Drew Barrymore being stabbed in Scream." "Yeah right," laughed TJ, "I bet she didn't even feel it going in." "Yes, she did!" I snapped, "She felt it going in alright, and she said I was better than you." "Yeah, course she did Elizabeth," laughed TJ. TJ's laughter annoyed me. "She did!" I angrily snapped, "I f*cked her brains out good and hard and she loved it." "Excuse me," a rather large woman who was stood behind TJ said, "Do you two usually talk about women in such a disrespectful way?" "What's it got to do with you wide load?" asked TJ. "I beg your pardon?" asked the woman standing there with her short dark bob and a displeasing look on her face. "Look, it's OK," I said, "It's my fiancée we're talking about." "Oh, so that makes it OK to talk about her like that does it?" asked the woman. "F*ck me!" TJ loudly said, wafting his hand, "Your breath f*cking stinks. If you're going to have a go at us, can you stand a few yards away?" The woman's breath did smell bad but I wanted to explain to her that I wasn't some sort of misogynistic arsehole." "Look," I gently said, "Don't get the wrong idea. It's just that it took me and my fiancée ages to have sex, so I was really happy when we finally did it." "Clearly," said the woman, "You talk about her like you own her. Like she's a piece of meat." "Your breath smells like you've been chomping on raw meat," said TJ, "Haven't you got a breath mint... or some bleach?" "I don't own her," I said, "I love her." "Ha," laughed the woman, "You don't talk like you love her. You talk about her like she's an object for your entertainment." "Seriously love," said TJ wafting his hand, "What the f*ck is up with your breath? What have you been eating? Cat food? Seriously, you need to see a Doctor." "Men like you two," said the woman, pointing at me and TJ, "It's men like you that cause women like me to feel unsafe." "Men like us?" I said, pointing at TJ, "I'm nothing like him." "Yeah," said TJ, "I've got 12 inches. He hasn't even got a twelfth of an inch." "Listen," I said, "I..." "No," the woman said, firmly interrupting me, "You listen. I come here to support some of the vulnerable women in prison, and the reason they're vulnerable is because men like you have sexist attitudes that harm women. You should be ashamed of yourself. I'm surprised you managed to find any woman willing to marry you." This comment annoyed me. "Look," I firmly said, "I don't really care about what you think? Not all men are sexist arseholes. Don't tar us all with the same brush. You've just got the wrong end of the stick, but you know what? If you want to think of me as some sexist d*ck, you think what you want about me. The difference is that I have manners, and I know when to keep my mouth shut and not make assumptions. You're telling me that I'm a sexist misogynist who should be ashamed, but I'm not telling you that you're a fat old cow who should be under a specialist for breath like that. Go get f*cked." I walked off and I felt rather proud of myself for standing up to the judgemental woman. Patronising old b*tch.

Later on, Naomi and I met with Sci-Fi Cyn at Sails Café in Cowes. Once again Mike wasn't there. Obviously still at The IEC kicking the sh*t out of the infected but Mia came along after she'd seen Tinkerbell at GRID HQ. I was telling Naomi and Cyn about the horrible woman at the prison. "Patronising cow," I said, "I wanted to take my mop and shove it up her arse." "Well, I can turn that frown upside down," said Sci-Fi Cyn, "I have some good news. Tinsley has agreed for us to go to Gurnard and look inside the abandoned wedding shop to see if we can find Naomi a dress." "Oh, my God," said Naomi with a big smile on her face, "That's amazing." "He actually agreed to this?" I asked. "Yeah," said Sci-Fi Cyn, "I told you, didn't I? He's mellowed." "OK," said Naomi, "So when do we go?" "Some time towards the end of the week," said Cyn. "You're going outside of the populated areas?" asked Mia, "Sounds exciting. Can I come?" "I think we need to keep this down to as few people as possible," said Cyn, "Anyway I have some other good news too. I found out about the three vicars. One, we should probably avoid because he's a bit creepy, he's been accused of sexual harassment against women in the past – although nothing was proven and he has Tourette's, and keeps swearing all of the time." "Ok," said Naomi, "And what about the other two?" "I'm waiting to hear back from one of them but I spoke to the other one and she's going to meet us here today." "She?" said Naomi. "Yeah, she's a woman," said Sc-Fi Cyn. "Oh, I like the idea of married by a woman," said Naomi. "Here she is now," said Sci-Fi Cyn. We all turned and looked towards the café door as the lady vicar arrived. My eyes widened and I became paralysed with embarrassment as I looked ahead in shock at the who the woman was. It was the crabby overweight woman who I'd snapped at earlier at the prison. The pair of us immediately exchanged tense and awkward looks. I was mortified. "Everyone," said Cyn, as the unhappy looking woman walked towards us, "This is Annette Winters." "Hello again," Annette firmly said to me. "Oh, have you met?" asked Sci-Fi Cyn. "Err... Yeah," I said. "Oh, God," said Naomi, putting two and two together and putting her face in her hands, "This is the woman you told to go and get f*cked isn't it?" "I didn't know she was a vicar!?" I exclaimed. "So!?" snaped Naomi. "He also said I was a fat old cow who should be under a specialist for having such bad breath," said Annette. Naomi gave a depressing sigh and closed her eyes. "I assume this is your fiancée?" Annette said, "The woman you had sex with who... What was it now? Moaned like a b*tch, cried like a whale and yelled like Drew Barrymore being stabbed in Scream?" "What!?" gasped an angry Naomi. "God," I said to Annette, "You might have bad breath, but there's noting wring with your memory is there?" "Oh," said Mia, "Is this the woman with bad breath who's arse you wanted to shove your mop up?" "OK," said Annette, "I'm going to leave. Good luck with finding someone to marry you." Cyn tried to make the peace but there was nothing she could do. Annette left, leaving me to endure angry looks from Cyn and Naomi. "Don't look at me like that," I said, "I didn't know she was a vicar. I just thought she was a fat cow with bad breath." "Yelled like Drew Barrymore being stabbed in Scream?" asked a firm Naomi, "Is that how you talk about me when I'm not around?" "It was TJ," I said, "He was winding me up. You know what he's like. I just snapped. It's his fault." "No, Luke," said Naomi, "You're the one who told her to go and get f*cked, not TJ." "Yeah, but TJ told her she smelt like she'd been eating cat food," I said. "I don't give a toss what TJ said," snapped Naomi, "I'm not marrying him, I'm marrying you, you absolute idiot, although I'm started to have second thoughts and think it might be best if I marry a box of rotten eggs instead." "That's weird," said Mia, "Because her breath did smell very much like rotten eggs." "She does have really bad breath," I said. "Missing the point!" exclaimed Naomi, "We've now lost one of the vicars because of you!" "Yeah, but we've got two left," I said. "And one of them is a Tourette's ridden pervert," said Naomi. "Alleged," I said, "Anyway you wouldn't want to get married by someone whose breath can disintegrated your veil and melt your wedding ring, would you?" "And there's the other vicar," said Sci-Fi Cyn, "He's nice. I just need to have a chat with him." "See," I said, reassuringly rubbing Naomi's hand, "All is not lost." "Can you just please THINK before you open your mouth," Naomi firmly said to me, "And please don't use me as some sort of prop in your battles with TJ." "Yeah, OK, sorry," I said. I can see why Naomi was a bit p*ssed off. I shouldn't have spoken about her in the way I did. Bl**dy TJ! He brings the worst out in me. Mind you, I didn't know the smelly cow was one of the three vicars who could have married us did I!? What am I supposed to do!? Never go out and never speak to anyone in case they're going to end up marrying me. At least we have one good vicar left.

Before our little tiff Naomi told me that Ash is still in a bit of a mood after I told Naomi about Ash's late wife, yesterday. He needs to stop being so closed off. If he wants to talk to someone about his late wife Yvonne, he could talk to me and Naomi. Why speak to Helen? Oh, I don't know. I suppose I shouldn't worry too much about Ash. He's an adult. He can do what he wants. I have my own stuff to deal with, such as getting a wedding sorted out.