Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 1158 - 1358

Entry 1181: Saturday 21st December 2019

Entry 1181
Saturday 21st December 2019

We had the wedding rehearsal. Total nightmare! I don't know what else I should have expected.

We were all gathered outside the church in Cowes waiting for Derek, the vicar to arrive. It was that we were all together. The lot of us don't often have much time when we're all together, so even though most of them get on my bl**dy nerves I thought it was nice that we were all together, especially as it was for mine and Naomi's wedding rehearsal.

As we all stood outside the church waiting for Derek to arrive, we all had a good catch up. "How's that infected baby of yours?" TJ asked Mia, "Still dying to chomp someone's arm off?" "TJ, shut up," said Roz. "She's fine actually," said Mia, "And even though she's infected I don't think she really wants to eat anyone. It's in her but I think it's going to grow out of her. You know the other day I'm sure she said something." "She's too young to start talking, Mia," I said. "Yeah, but she gave me this look that sort of said something," said Mia, "It was like she was saying..." "I can't wait to get out of here and bite your face off?" said TJ. "No," snapped Mia, "Don't say things like that. My Tinkerbell would never do such a thing. She's helping GRID and my dad develop a cure." "Well, no offence Mia," I said, "But your dad is taking his time." "Well, these things do take time," said Mia. "I've just realised something," said Madeline. "Christ," said Trudy, "If it's another down-on-the-farm story I think I might have to slam your face into the church door." "We don't have any confetti," said Madeline. "Con – what?" asked Mia. "Confetti," said Madeline, "We can't go on without confetti." "Pasta?" asked Mia. "What are you on about, pasta?" I bluntly asked. "Confetti hoops," said Mia, "That sort of stuff." "She said confetti not spaghetti," I said, "It's the stuff you get in little packs and throw at people when they get married." "You throw spaghetti at people when they get married?" asked Mia. "Confetti!" I exclaimed. "It's a nice idea, Madeline," said Naomi, "But I don't think we can find confetti anywhere on the island. We've run out of beef so I don't think we'll find any confetti." "We might find some at the wedding shop when we go to Gurnard tomorrow," said Sci-Fi Cyn. "Yeah, but we need some confetti now," said Madeline. "I suppose you could use rice," said Sci-Fi Cyn. "What for?" asked Mike, "Are we having a curry?" "They used to use rice in the olden days when thy didn't have confetti," said Sci-Fi Cyn. "We could just find some paper and shred it up," said Mum. "We don't have time for that," said Madeline, "The vicar will be here soon. Someone needs to go to the shop and get some rice." "The only place I want to go to is a chair," said Auntie Meryl, "My frigging legs are killing me. When's this vicar bloke going to get here?" "Yes, my legs are starting to ache too," said Madeline, "I certainly could do with giving my fanny a rest." "Ere gay-bo," said TJ, "That's what your Mum said after I chucked one up her." "I did actually," said Mum. "And your fiancée said it too," giggled TJ. "No, I didn't," snapped Naomi, "TJ, shut up, there are children here." "Who's going to go get some rice?" asked Madeline. "Oh, for God's sake," I said, "Does it matter? Mia, put names in a hat and we'll pick that way. God." "Names in a hat?" said Mia, looking confused. "Yes," I bluntly said, "Put names in a hat and we'll pick one out." "I don't have a hat," said Mia. "Then put them in your picket," I exclaimed, "And we'll pick them out of that." "Here," said Sci-Fi Cyn, handing Mia a small piece of paper and a pen from her back pocket, "Use this. That pen can write under water." "Well, yeah," said Mia, taking the pen off Cyn, "It's a pen. It can probably write lots of different sentences." "Here," said Mia, handing her makeshift weapon (which she had brought with her) for some reason) to Mike, "Hold my gash." "Jesus, you really need to re-name that thing," I said. Mia scribbled on the bits of paper, ripped them up, crumpled them up and placed them all in her pocket. "OK," said Mia, "There you go. Done. Go on Luke. You're the groom. Pick one." I put my hand inside Mia's pocket, reached for a crumpled bit of paper, grabbed hold of one, pulled it out, un-crumpled it and read out the name. "Jasmine," I said. I frowned with confusion and looked at Mia. "There's no one here called Jasmine" I said. Mia looked confused. I produced another bit of paper from Mia's pocket and read out the name written on it. "Sebastian," I said, "Mia, what's this? There's no one here called Sebastian or Jasmine." "I did what you asked," said Mia, "You told me to write down names on bits of paper and put them in my pocket." "OUR NAMES!" I loudly exclaimed, "Not a bunch of random names, you silly cow!" "They're not random names," said Mia, "They're my favourite Disney characters." "We're trying to decide who's going to go to the shop to get some rice," I said, as I produced another name from Mia's pocket and un-crumpled the bit of paper, "I can't expect... Jiminy f*cking Cricket to pop to Sainsbury's and get some rice can I!?" Mia retrieved her weapon from Mike and at that point Derek appeared. "About bl**dy time," said Auntie Meryl, "I take it this this the vicar?" "Well, it's not the bl**dy chimneysweep, is it?" Mum sarcastically said. "Good morning everyone," Derek said as he approached us, "W*NKERS!" Everyone looked horrified. "He's got Tourette's," said Naomi. "Now I assume you're all here for Lou and Naomi's wedding rehearsal," said Derek, "Are they going to be here soon?" "Erm, I think I can answer that question," I sarcastically said to Derek. "Oh?" said Derek, "Are you related to the bride or groom?" "He can't see very well," Naomi told the group. "I am the groom," I bluntly said to Derek. "Pardon?" asked Derek. "I'm the groom," I said, raising my voice. "Say again," said Derek. "I AM THE GROOM!" I loudly said. "He's a bit deaf too," Naomi told the group. "C*CK SUCKERS!" Derek loudly said. "Well, this hasn't got f*cking disaster written all over it at all has it?" Trudy bluntly said. "This is going to be so much fun," giggled TJ. "Now then," said Derek, squinting as he struggled to see us, "We're all going to go inside and I'd like the bride and groom to stand together at the front. F*CK OFF!  I will ask everyone else to sit down on a pew and once we are ready... FAT C*CKS! ...We will start the rehearsal. ARSEHOLES! I will just ask the bride to repeat after me the vows and then I will ask the groom to repeat after me the vows. GREAT BIG SMELLYPIECE OF DOG SH*T! Do you both have rings?" "Er, well we have one ring," said Naomi, as TJ was trying to control his laughter, "But we haven't sorted out the other one yet." "Pardon?" asked Derek. "Oh God," I said, rolling my eyes, "YES! WE HAVE THE RINGS!" "Jolly good," said Derek, "MOTHER F*CKERS! Now just follow my lead and we'll all be fine. Does anyone have any questions? W*NKERS!" "I do," said Mia, "Why does boiling water make pasta soft but eggs hard?" "He means any questions about the wedding rehearsal you daft cow," I said. "Oh," said Mia, "Yeah. What's a pew?" "Pardon?" asked Derek. "SHE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT'S UP YOU!?" TJ loudly said, "Been sitting on any dildos?" "TJ, shut up," snapped Naomi. "A PEW, NOT UP YOU," I loudly said. "Sorry, can you speak up please?" asked Derek, "F*CKING B*STARDS!" "Oh God," I said, rolling my eyes, "Mia, a pew is what the wooden benches are called. Can we just get on with this?" "The last time I was here I did a Christening," said Derek. "Maybe I should get my Tink christened," said Mia. "How lovely," said Derek, "What's Tink short for?" "Because she's only a few months old," said Mia. "Pardon?" asked Derek. "Oh, Jesus Christ," I said. "Elizabeth you shouldn't blaspheme," said Madeline, "Not when we are in front of a man of the cloth." "A man with a cloth?" asked Auntie Meryl, "Is he a vicar or a cleaner?" "F*CKING F*CKING F*CKERS!" Derek loudly snapped. "Look, no offence," Roz said to Derek, loudly raising her voice, "But are you able to do this?" "Sorry?" said Derek. "CAN YOU DO THIS!?" Roz loudly said. "Oh yes," said Derek, "Of course I can do it. I have been doing it a long time and I do have supervision." "That's great," said Mia, "You know I can see really well too. How far can you see?" "Supervision, not super vision you thick tw*t," I bluntly said, "Look at him. He can hardly see us, of course he hasn't got super vision." "What's that?" asked Derek, "W*NKERS!" "Are we going to do this or not?" Ash said. "What about the rice?" asked Madeline. "Oh, for crying out loud," I said, "Mia, go to Sainsbury's and get some rice." "I don't want to miss the wedding rehearsal," said Mia. "We'll wait for you," I said, "Just go to Sainsbury's and get the rice, and if they've got any eggs get ten." "OK, but you promise you'll wait for me?" asked Mia. "Yes," I said. Derek opened the church door and we all staretd to make our way inside. "I think he's a lovely man," said Mia, smiling as Derek walked into the church. "Holding a torch for him are you, Barbie?" TJ asked. "No," said Mia, "I'm just holding my gash."