Blue Summer

Chapter 16: A past that hurts is a past that heals

"I was tired that day when he ended his life, and to this day, I haven't gotten rid of that tiredness."

"I was very tired that day. My head was hurting, my legs aching, and my eyes heavy with sleep. I wanted to reach home, lie down in my bed, and fall asleep. I wanted freshly cooked fish stew; my mother was used to cooking that for me. I knew it would heal me. I wanted it with rice and seaweed. I wanted to go to sleep dreaming about the next day and the day after that. I arrived at the opening of the street. The crowd had already begun gathering, and I tried recalling if I had missed some festivity. I pushed and squeezed through the confused and horrified faces. That was not the look I expected for a celebration. Whispers, I heard, as some looked at me with pity; now I know that was a pity, then I did not. Then I realised the siren of the police cars and the ambulance. The closer I came, the more I could hear cries. My heart began pounding. I grew scared and confused. I was clueless, and it haunted me. When I finally rushed to my house's forepart, I caught a glimpse of my sister weeping. So tiny and so sad she was. Then I made my way into the house and ran to my crying mother. Right then, from upstairs, my father's body, hidden under the white cloth, was brought down. I shivered and fell to my knees. A tear fell down my cheek, but nothing more. I did not cry, scream, or show any reaction. I sat there in shock and disbelief. An officer came to my mother and told her something I did not hear. My senses failed me that day. Nothing I could smell, taste, feel, hear, see or touch that day. I crouched near my room's window, but I did not cry. Tears, I thought, I would, and shall not, waste for a tale of betrayal. Days I had to live now without him. I felt scared to do so. But then had to accept it.

Weeks went by, the police had data from their initial investigation, and as had they come over to my house almost every day since my father's suicide to investigate, they came over to share the information with my mother. I eavesdropped. I had to. My mother would not tell me otherwise what had been found. The more I think, the more I wish I had not tried to seek the truth."

Aroku Kaoru was very young when his family moved from Japan to South Korea. It was a hard and long journey. Sitting next to his kins, he wished to ask one of them if they had the answer to why they were leaving their country. But neither did he ask nor did anyone tell him. They arrived in Incheon to stay with someone his family knew. The treacherous journey, Aroku thought, was over. But he was wrong, for a journey like this never ends. He was admitted to a local school, and a private tutor was hired to teach him Korean, for he knew little of this language. At school, no one had a hard time telling that he was not Korean. When he spoke, they asked him, "Are you Japanese?" He would think momentarily and say, "No, I am a Korean. Although....... I was born in Japan." To this, they would reply mockingly, "That means you are Japanese, you idiot!" He wanted to rebuke by stating that his identity cards and all other official documents noted him as a Korean citizen, but he failed to gather the courage to do so. No one wanted to sit with him or befriend him. They would tease him and say that he looked ugly and that he would never look Korean, even when he said he was. Over the years, he became fluent in Korean; speaking in it as if it was within him from the day he was born. But his name and his physical appearance made it hard for him to blend. "Kaoru?! Never heard of that clan. Where does your clan descend from?" they would ask, and he would say, "It is not. My family comes from Japan."

"Oh, so you are Japanese."

"No, I am not. I am a Korean!" he would reply, but inside, he would ask, "Who am I?"

But no matter how many times he ascertained that he was a Korean, no one believed or rather accepted him.

And so life blossomed for him when he was married to a Korean. He thought this would include him, but when he applied for his first job, he was rejected: "We do not admit Japanese or any foreigner for that matter into our workspace."