Only Once in a Lifetime (TRF #4)

Chapter 31

Chapter 31

"You'll be coming to Mapúa. I told Tita already." Zac said as I groaned.

"Dito nalang. Patapos naman na din ako." Kako at inirapan niya ako.

"You won't move on, Liam." He sighed as I bit my lips to stop the tears from falling again.

"Let's go. Mauuna na ako." Sabi niya at tumango ako.

I sat on my desk and opened a document.

July 23

Dear Elle,

Hi, lovely. The sun is shining brightly today just like you. I'm missing you and Zac's been hating you.

Zac's been scolding me, telling me that I gave my heart to someone who doesn't deserve it. But I can't bring myself to hate you, you know.

I love you too much that I know to myself that I'll run to your arms once I see you. Once you utter those three words that I love the most.

It's been months and I hate my memory for remembering every detail about you. Every single thing reminds me of you and I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Though for Zac it's a bad thing.

I also want to stop haunting myself with your memories but how can I? How can I forget you when every single thing reminds me of you?

I want to forget you so bad but whenever I try to do so my heart aches like it's saying that I'm not supposed to. I'm badly trying, trying so hard not to come back to you because of the pain you caused me but I feel like I'll fail.

Till then again, Elle.

I wiped the tears off my face and walked out of my condo. I went to Chrizzna to give her the thing Zac was telling me to give her since nauna na daw siya.

"Elle." I softly said when she hugged me.

She let go and I hoped she would do it again. Tears were spilling out her eyes as I wiped them. Is it bad to assume that she still has a bit of love left for me?

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She apologized repeatedly as I smiled. That's not what I wanted to hear. I know Zac talked to her and she knows that I'm leaving.

She just needs to tell me "Don't go" and I will stay in her arms forever. For-fucking-ever. She just needs to say "don't go" and I wont.

"I love you." I said hoping that she'll say it back and tell me not to go.

"I'm sorry." She said as I smiled sadly before entering the elevator. My heart breaking into billion pieces as the elevator goes a floor down away from her.

Zac: Update?

I frowned at the text.

Hale: Day 465: Miss ko na siya

I sighed and groaned in annoyance. I was about to fucking sleep.

Zac: Fuck you
-Walang silbi na linayo kita sakaniya
-Marupok na gago

I rolled my eyes and opened a document in my laptop.

October 31

Dear Elle,

Well, I said I'll stop writing once I've moved on and once I've got you in my arms again right? Well, I haven't fulfilled any of those yet so here I am writing to you again.

Sometimes, I just wished that I don't remember everything. So in that way I won't remember you. I've got it so bad.

The pain is already too much to handle, I don't know if it's from my heart or from my mind. But I'm tired, Elle. I'm getting tired of waking up and feeling empty. I want to forget you so badly.

I want to move on but I just can't. The thought of you brings me pain but the thought of moving on bring greater pain. Either way, any way I'll go it'll all be pain.

I'm begging my mind to forget you. Masakit na masyado. It's getting exhausting thinking of you. Thinking if you still care like I do. Thinking if you still love me like I do to you. Thinking if you're doing good even though I shouldn't.

I'm trying so hard, Elle. And I'm failing every time. Is this the feeling of exerting effort but failing? Because hell, it feels like shit.

My heart is breaking just thinking of you. My dreams are filled of you. Four hundred and sixty-fucking-five days but I can't bring myself to let go of your memories.

The memories that comes with the thought kung saan ako nagkulang o kung saan ako nagkamali that led you to leave.

Saan nga ba kase? Did I do something wrong? Was the love too overwhelming? I can't bring myself to stop thinking about those, Elle.

Palagi nalang, walang araw na hindi sumagi sa isip ko kung saan ba ako nagkulang. Ganoon ba kalala na iniwan mo ako?

But amidst of all the cacophony of voices in my head screaming at me, telling me to forget you, your sweet voice calling my name will always be the one that I'll listen to.

The love I have for you is overpowering the pain and I can't bring myself to get rid of it. I want to hate you but how can I? How can I hate someone who introduced me to love? How can I hate someone who brought happiness to my monotonous life? How can I forget someone as bright as you?

I want to envelope myself in the darkness but your brightness will always peak. I will always seek the warmth of your light. The warmth of your love. How it fills my soul.

Thinking of it feels wonderful but it also brings a pang to my chest. Is this love? Is this your love? Is this the love that I deserve? Is this the love that I was destined to get? Is this the love that was supposed to be for me?

I miss you, Elle. I miss you so much that it hurts. It hurts as much as I miss you.

Always loving,
Jaze.