Zero control || Woosan

(17) Pain.

It was a few days later and San didn't know how to describe the tugging feeling in his chest, it hurt. He had to leave tonight, he had to sneak out of the hotel and away from his friends, from his boyfriend.

San sat on a chair, his leg bouncing up and down hysterically. Everyone was sitting close to him so he couldn't show much emotion. They were eating lunch, but San was so fed up the thought of having to eat made him nauseous. His hands were sweaty which resulted in him having to wipe his hands on his pants from time to time, luckily no one noticed San's state.

The anxiety really got to him, he never really had troubles with anxiety. But this, this was a whole different case. He watched his friends eat peacefully, sharing some stories and laughing from time to time. Oh to be normal. San thought, he was jealous. Jealous of them not having to worry about this, about turning into a cruel monster. About possibly murdering. Your entire friend group. San saw these 7 boys as family. He could never hurt them... He would. never hurt them if he was in the right state of mind.

San covered his mouth and looked at the table, his heart thumping in his chest, there's no way he's gonna be okay. San pulled his hand away from his mouth and excused himself from the table, his legs feeling weak because of the panic he's going through, the first few steps away from the table he struggled a bit, getting his strength back in his wobbly legs he quickly walked out of the room.

He sat on the bed and sighed, there's no way the boys won't notice he's gone. What if they call the police on him? It would be terrible if they'd think he was missing. He had to make a decision quick. He had to leave, he needed to get himself under control first, him and his.. animalistic side. He knew what he had to do but that didn't make it any easier. He would have to leave Woo and everyone else, and maybe never even come back. He could fake his death, yes. He has thought about it before but isn't that just a bit too much?

But it still seemed a good, and safe option for San, they won't come looking for him would they? And everyone would be safe, without him around to potentially hurt them. It seemed like a good decision to San, though he wasn't really in the best mindset right now. He just decided to fake his death. So he can lock himself up in sort of peace and not hurt his friends.

San sighed and thought a little more, a letter? He could write a goodbye letter, they deserved at least that for being his friends for all these years. He wasn't sure of what to put in the letter but he just went for it, he got off the bed and grabbed a sheet of paper and a pen, sitting at the small desk he started scribbling down some sentences.

...

''Hey, It's San,

I'm sorry for leaving, but I had no other choice. It was already hard enough to make this choice, I had to leave due to some personal circumstances and I hope that's an alright explanation, I wish I could stay, but it's too late. I'm sorry guys but I can't hurt you, I can't be the reason you'll get hurt. Please don't try to search for me. I'll be gone. I won't be around no more. I had the greatest time with you guys. You guys were the greatest and brightened up my life, but I can't do this anymore, the guilt is eating me from the inside. Please know I love you all and think of you as my little precious family, please be happy without me.

Dear Hongjoong,

thank you for being there for me always and I'm sorry i'll have to go. It's gonna be alright and I wish you and Seonghwa the best of luck in your future. Thank you for always caring about our friendgroup like you were the parent figure. You really mean alot to me Joong. All those times you hung out with me at and after school, I truly had the time of my life. I could tell you my secrets and insecurities and you wouldn't judge. You always were so caring as if we were truly a family. Please keep loving everyone once I'm gone. I love you Joong. You really were the best, hyung.