Midnight Rain

17.

*panic attack warning*

POV Chiara

I could feel the sun on my face as I slowly woke up. I tried to move but couldn't since someone was full-on spooning me. Carefully, I turned to see Ava sleeping peacefully behind me. Her arm was around my hips, holding me close, and our legs intertwined.
I didn't want to make the situation awkward, so I decided not to wake her up and enjoyed the moment till the alarm would wake us up. I usually am not a cuddle person, but with Ava, things felt different. I wanted her company, and my body was longing for hers. But I also know that after last night, things might get complicated.

When the alarm went off, I reached out to my phone to put it on snooze. I felt Ava waking up behind me, her arm letting go of me for her to stretch out. Already missing her touch, I turned around to face her.
Her blue eyes were already awaiting me; she grabbed me by my hips and pulled me closer to her.
"Good morning," her raspy morning voice sent chills down my body. Her blonde hair was messy, and her eyes sparkled in the sun.
"Good morning. I hope you slept well," she said, putting a loose strand of hair behind her ear so I could leave my hand on her cheek and stroke over it.
"I haven't slept that well in weeks." She smiled at me, and I closed the gap between us without hesitation.
But before things could get heated, Ava broke our kiss.
"As much as I would enjoy this, we must get ready or be late." She gave me a quick kiss and stood up.
"Can we at least shower together?" I asked her while she was already on her way to the bathroom.
"Well, you better be quick." Oh, I won't waste any time. With that, I sprinted into the bathroom, turned on the shower, and gained a giggle from Ava.

"Good morning, team! I hope you all slept well and had breakfast," Ava greeted everyone.
We were all sitting in a big meeting room at the hotel. Ava and her assistant coach are standing in front of a giant monitor with our schedule. I can't say I'm looking forward to anything on there, but my motivation to go through it is what comes when the day ends and everyone gets to their room.
My mind drifted off again when someone gave me a light hit on my shoulder to get my attention.
"What the?" I said that everyone was staring at me when I looked around.
"Sorry, I zoomed out," I explained myself.
"Well, it would be nice if you would focus on what's important," the assistant snapped at me.
Surprised by his attitude towards me, I gave him a death stare and said, "Well, if what you're saying wouldn't be so boring, maybe I would."
Hearing some of my teammates gasp, I looked at Ava and saw a shocked impression on her face. Avoiding her look, I rolled my eyes, stood up, and left.
This was ridiculous; it's not like we are in classes. It's supposed to be a fun and relaxing weekend to find our team spirit. But by snapping at me, that surely won't happen. Still pretty annoyed by the situation, I went to our room and slammed the door shut.
There is one thing that always triggers me: a man shouting at me. Sure, I wasn't paying attention, but only because I zoomed out, not because I was on my phone or something disrespectful.

I could feel my hands getting sweaty but cold simultaneously; my heart rate went up, and my breathing became irregular. My vision went blurry, and I knew what was happening. I tried to calm down and regulate my breathing, but it didn't work. Think about something, Chiara! You can't let that happen. Not here. Not now. But it was too late. My mind was racing, my thoughts were all around the place, and I felt my knees getting weak. Before I realized it, I found myself crouched on the floor under the window. Tears were forming in my eyes, and my face hid in my arms. Everything came crashing down on me, Flashbacks of my father yelling and throwing stuff after me just because training didn't went as he planned. I was just a kid. Not even 10, but he did not care. I was an athlete, just like everyone else he trained. But they could go home after a bad day, surrounded by their families comforting them. But not me. Home was never a safe place, and his temper was unpredictable.
My flashbacks were getting worse and worse, and my ears started to ring. Covering them with my hands, I didn't hear anyone entering the room.
Suddenly, I felt a hand on me, completely dragging me out of my state, gaze locking instantly with worrying blue eyes. As I realized who was standing before me, I could feel the panic worsening. No one should see me in such a bad place, especially not her. Clenching my hands into fists, digging my nails into my skin so the pain would stop me from crying. Not in front of her. It's already worse enough that she sees me in such a miserable situation. But I couldn't escape it; I was trapped in my head.

She took my hands into hers, carefully opening them. As she did, she kissed my palms and intertwined our fingers. I was still looking at the floor when I felt her inching closer, leaning forward and wrapping her arms around me. My body started to shutter, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. But instead of letting go, Ava's grab got stronger. She was trying to comfort me.
"Tell me how I can help you." This was so embarrassing. I wasn't able to reply; my panic was getting the best out of me, and the pressure on my cheats was not bearable anymore.
"Chiara, look at me!" Ava carefully lifted my head.
"Breathe, okay? Can you do that for me?" She looked directly into my eyes, and I could see worry in hers. Realizing I could not calm myself down, she carefully moved her hand onto my chest.
"Focus on my hand, the warmth of it. Try to breathe against it." Focusing on it, I slowly took a deep breath.
"Good, hold it for a few seconds, and let it out." She knew what she was doing, and the thought of why she would know that interrupted my thoughts, and I was able to do as she asked.
"You're doing great, babe." The nickname again interrupted my thoughts and replaced them with her. I tried to stand up so I wouldn't waste more of her time.
"Don't. Give yourself some time." Ava did not let go of me. Giving in, I let myself fall entirely into her arms.
After some time, I calmed down and looked at Ava.
"Thank you," I whispered, resting my head on her chest. She kissed me on my forehead, but I could feel she was still worried.
"I'll take a shower; I think that's a good way to refresh and get me out of this mess." I let go of her and went into the bathroom.
Closing the door behind me, I let myself down against it, and I could feel how the panic was coming back.
The sound of a knock on the door pulled me out, and I stood up to open it.
"Mind if I join you? I don't like the idea of you being alone right now," Ava said honestly. How on earth did I deserve her? She was so kind and caring 
"You don't need to worry about me. I'll be fine." Turning around, I turned on the shower and started to get undressed.
"Chiara, stop." Ava came up behind me.
"You don't have to put on a face and pretend everything is fine. It's not. And that's okay. Let me be here for you." She hugged me from behind, and once again, her touch calmed me down. Turning around in her arms, I looked at her and gently kissed her, which she returned. Letting my head rest on her chest, I listened to her heartbeat.
"Let's get you freshen up." Ava took a step back and helped me to get undressed.

After she helped me shower, I felt better and realized my body was exhausted. I haven't had panic attacks for years, and it was surprising to me that it knocked me out that much. Also, why it had come to that point, but that is something I won't figure out yet.
Realizing how tired I was, Ava told me to take a nap and that she'd check on me during lunch. She made clear that I understood that if anything was wrong, I could give her a call or text her. I thanked her but knew that I wouldn't do that. I won't show any weakness again. It's annoying enough that she had already seen me like that earlier. I'll make sure that won't happen again.

I woke up by the sound of the door clicking shut. The sun lit up the room, and my eyes needed time to adjust. Without seeing her, I felt Ava's presence.
"I brought you some lunch. I thought maybe something to eat would give you some energy." She sat beside me on the bed, and I turned around to sit up.
Taking the plate out of her hand, I looked at the food, not feeling hungry, but I knew I should eat something.
"Thank you" was all I was capable of saying.
"Chiara, if you wanna .."
"No," I interrupted her rudely. I don't want to talk about it. Not now, not ever.
Ava raised an eyebrow at me, and damn those blue eyes. Anyway, I won't talk about it.
"Would be nice if you would let me finish." Looking at me, I nodded to let her know I wouldn't interrupt her again.
"If you wanna stay in our room all day, that's fine. I know how exhausting panic attacks can be. So you're excused for the rest of the day. But I would be happy if you joined me later on a little walk up the hill. Might help?" she gave me a wink and took my hand.
"And for what you thought I wanted to say. You don't have to talk about it. Not now or ever. But if you ever feel the need to talk to someone. I'm here for you." She kissed my hand, and I broke my stare and looked back to my plate so I wouldn't get emotional again.
"Thank you, Ava... for the food," I joked and gained a little laugh from her.
"I'll leave you be now. Sadly, there's a whole team awaiting me. Tho, I would prefer spending my time with you." She gave me a quick kiss and left.

It's been an hour, and I was still staring at my plate. My mind was fighting my will to eat, and I couldn't win this battle. Placing the plate on my nightstand, I stood up and entered the bathroom, slamming the door shut.
"It's just food, Chiara! It hasn't been a problem for years, so what's the damn deal now" I was spooling myself. I knew what the deal was, and it was pissing me off. I hated how this stupid little assistant coach was able to trigger me so badly that I not only had a complete panic attack but also couldn't bring myself up to eat.
Turning around, I composed myself and returned to the room, took my phone, and decided to watch some TikTok.

It sounds stupid, but it keeps my mind occupied.