Smoke and Stars - A Theo Nott Story

Miserable

He should have gone after. Why the fuck did he not go after her? Do you love me? He should have screamed it from the bloody rooftops. He should have taken her by the waist, hauled her to him with a searing kiss, and said the truth: "Yes, Aria. I love you more than anything else in this fucking world. I would do anything to make you happy."

Except that was a lie. He had proven that was a lie when he decided that he wasn't ready to go public with their relationship. He could still her in his mind, her eyes glistening with unshed tears as she said:  I've been locked up for my entire life, Theodore Nott. I won't do it anymore. Not even for you. 

He was a fucking idiot.

Why was he such a fucking idiot? He had the most beautiful girl wanting to be his, wanting a real future with him, and he stayed silent. He didn't move a muscle even as he heard her sniffling echo through the empty tower. Now, his silence, his stillness, might have cost him the best thing he had ever had. 

It might have cost him Aria.

Theo didn't know what to do. It was clear that Aria had made up her mind. The secret relationship was over. Either the secret was done or the relationship was. Theo wasn't lying when he said that he wanted to stay a secret. He had never had a relationship and he wasn't sure he'd ever be ready for one, not after the way he saw his dad react when they lost his mum. Depending on someone that much, caring about someone that much, seemed like too much vulnerability.

And yet, his soul felt like a piece of it left when she walked down those stairs.

For several days, Theodore was miserable. Miserable. He couldn't go to class, he started smoking more, and he was rarely found without a drink in his hand. He didn't leave his room, not unless forced. All he did was wallow in a constant state of self-pity. 

You're a fucking idiot. You're a fucking idiot. You're a fucking idiot. His mind repeated the phrase over and over. Maybe one of those times, it would truly sink in. Still, no matter how often Theo said it, he couldn't bring himself to get up. He couldn't force himself to walk to Aria's room, get on his knees, and beg her to take him back. In his mind, that was a sign. He truly wasn't ready for a future with her. 

Mattheo and Enzo were right. I do have commitment issues. Actually, speaking of his friends, the two of them had been decidedly less... annoying as of late. They both knew something was up and they both had a guess, though they were too afraid to actually ask him. When he was drunk—which he almost always was—he was terrible. Throwing things, breaking the bottles, raging at anyone who dared to get in his path. It seemed the only emotion Theo could bring himself to show was anger. Anger at himself for being a fucking idiot.

"Come on, mate," Mattheo said when he walked into the room to the dormitory. Enzo was trailing behind him diligently. Both of their eyes showed immense concern for their friend. Neither of them had ever seen him like this, not even on December 6th. "There are plenty of other girls out there. Why don't you go and find yourself a rebound? A nice pretty one like that blondie you fucked last year."

 "Mattheo," Enzo hissed.

"What? He can either go atone for whatever mistake drove her away or he can get over it by getting over someone else. Either way, this sorry sod act needs to stop."

Perhaps he was right. Still, the idea of getting with a girl other than Aria made his skin crawl. "Leave me alone," Theo groaned, taking another swig of the firewhisky. He was reminded of the way that Aria smelled after she drank too much at the common room party. The thought alone had him finishing the bottle.

"We're worried about you, Theo. If you need to talk, we're here," Enzo said before closing the door. He was always the caring one of the trio, just like his sister.