triangular temptations. |the rookie x reader story|

chapter 10

7 years ago (y/n's 20.) (a year after lance gets killed)

i sat in a therapist office. it's been a year since i ran away. a year since lance died. i decided to get therapy considering everything that happened.

"so. y/n, how have you been since...you know..."
my therapist, Mrs. pariah asked. i could tell she was trying not to 'set me off'. i've heard her say that before to some other therapist.

lately, people have been treating me as if im some glass vase about to fall off a table. like ill shatter into a million pieces if they hit the corner to hard.

i nodded and shuffled in my seat on the couch. "i've been...good. as good as i can be." i forced out a small laugh to hopefully, move this stupid session along.

she nodded with a sympathetic smile. god, i hate that fucking smile.

"i just- feel kind of...alone. i guess. i have been for awhile actually." i said and crossed my arms in my lap.

"do you feel alone right now?" she asked.

"uh..." i hesitated before i spoke. "i mean, i'd like to believe I'm not but i just...i've just never seen any proof. so, i...i just don't debate it anymore. you know? it's like, i could spend my whole life debating it over and over again. weighing the pros and the cons but in the end. i still wouldn't have any proof. so i just- i just don't debate it anymore." i laughed before continuing. "it's absurd."

"the search for god is absurd?" she asked. i furrowed my brows. "it is if everyone dies alone." i said. "does that scare you?" she asked.

"i don't wanna be alone." my voice broke slightly and i sighed. "i've been alone my whole life and i'm tired of it. i just want to feel something other then...loneliness."

"is that why you cut yourself?" she asked hesitantly. i nodded my head no and sighed.

"it feels as though for every new cut i do, all my pint up hurt, rage, sadness and so much more is what comes out my arm. not the blood.
i cut myself because i feel so much pain, so much i can't explain and i just want to feel in charge of something I'm feeling for once." i said.

it was silent for a moment before i spoke again.

" i just feel so fucking empty sometimes and it's so exhausting to feel nothing and everything at the same time" i looked at my lap, blinking away the threating tears.

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i slammed my car door shut. i had just finished the therapy session and it was fucking awful. the bitch put me on more medication.

i brought my knees to my chest in the seat and folded my arms on my knees, putting my head down.

"i'm about to just..drive off a fucking cliff." i sighed and turned on the music. "i got it made by skatenigs" started.

i turned it all the way up and rolled down the front two windows and speed off. i looked at my phone and saw it was 4:45. my shift at the bar isn't until 6:30.

i don't want to go back to the apartment. Tray is there. i shuddered remembering our last argument.

"on my fucking god! i told you! i thought she looked like you! i don't know why that's so hard for you to understand." Tray yelled at me.

i found out that he cheated on me with some girl who looks NOTHING like me at the bar.

"she dosent even look like me Tray! she looks completely fucking different!" i yelled back.

he looked at the ground and huffed in and out like he just ran a marathon. he looked at me with such anger in his eyes you would've thought he was anger himself.

"watch your fucking mouth around me you bitch!" he stormed over to me and slapped me. i put my hand on my check and looked at him.

he looked completely different this time. his eyes were so...simpatic it was like he accidentally hurt a kitten. "oh my god babe i-i'm so, so sorr-"

i put my hand up "save it Tray. it's like a fucking...carasoul with you. you hit me, apologize, act like it never happened then it repeats. i'm done with this and with you. i want you out of my apartment by 12 Pm tomorrow." i said and walked away, leaving him there. i was just planing on staying in my car tonight.

which i did. and now every muscle i had was sore.

it's kinda...funny. i ran away to escape an abusive household and found myself in another one.

i guess Some People Are Just Born With Tragedy In Their Blood. and i have the misfortunes of being one of those people.

i pulled up to my apartment complex and saw Trays red ford truck still in the parking lot. but this time, box's filled the back. i smiled at the fact he was finally leaving and got out, still dreading having to look at him.

i unlocked my door and waked in. i heard shuffling from the bedroom me and Tray once shared. i carefully looked into the room seeing Tray packing all his stuff in a box.

a smile tugged its way onto my lips as i began to walk around the apartment to look around making sure he didn't take anything of mine. luckily he didn't. 

"i'm leaving. i hope you know, no man will ever love a whore like you. your nothing but some fucking collateral damage." Tray said as he stood in front of the door with a box in his hand.

i turned around and smiled at him. "you to Tray. you spineless motherfucker. have fun living in your moms basement again." i said.

he huffed and rolled his eyes slamming the front door as he left. i looked back at my apartment and smiled.

i was free again.