ALL UP IN YOUR MIND

xxi

Onika T Maraj

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck!

I didn't move, my body stuck in my chair. As the thought of Beyoncé missing crossed my mind. What the fuck was wrong with her? Why couldn't she just fucking listen to me? Why did she have to make everything so complicated.

"Is there a problem?" My eyes darted up, my father staring at me. Naturally my posture straightened, my elbows far from the table as I fixed my tie.

"No sir! Everything is fine." I spoke calmly, even though I was panicking. Nothing was fine, NOTHING.

I wanted to confess, everyone was here why not? My parents, across from me happy to even see me. My wife, seated next to me, her parents somewhere in the room, India was here, but her mind was else where.

My aunts, my cousins, my fucking family surrounded me. Here for a Maraj festival that was annual, for a whole entire week my family would celebrate the creation of our legacy. We celebrate the day my parents got married sealing this long line of wealth. We also celebrate our ancestors, the people who made this possible. This event usually took place in New York. But for some fucking bizarre reason. They decided to torture me by coming to Europe. Following me across the globe.

I hadn't attended this festival since I've gotten married.
At the ripe age of twenty, I was allowed to stop showing my face. All because I was forced to get married to a woman who was utterly obsessed with my whole being. You see I don't mind the obsession, but the fact that I didn't love her anymore made this whole situation-

I was sent to an academy in Paris when I hit sixteen. This academy taught me a multitude of things. One it taught me that I was different from the people around me. During the day I sat in class like everyone else. Made jokes with people I considered my friends, some family.

Donovan, Ricki, Rihanna, Kelly, and India... Me and India started off as friends. FRIENDS! But day by day she became more than that. She wanted more of me, she wanted everything I could give her but I was young. Focused on the career In front of me, at night. When everyone was sent to their dorms I was wide awake.

Forced into a degrading program that knocked the senses out of me. Most nights I couldn't even speak properly, they broke me down bit by bit. I lost my independence and began submissive. That's why I can't even look my father in the eye without feeling weak. Apparently this program was to build me up and get me strong.

That's exactly why I am the way I am now. I couldn't, I couldn't even go a day without doing something narcissistic. The program broke me, they broke me.

During this three year process, India became my source of comfort. I confided in her, I needed her to keep me sane. We, feel in love, I'll say, we enjoyed each other. Every single day, I was willing to actually marry her. I didn't mind it, she was sweet, she liked me, she was obsessed with me.

So to my surprise, when I found the girl our parents agreed that I would marry. Stepped out before she even took our vows at the alter I went ballistic. I despised her  with every being in my soul. She wasn't as sweet as she pretended— and on the day I needed her most. The night I- the night I lost everything. She wasn't there, she was with someone else she—

I couldn't fucking do this anymore.

I wanted Beyoncé. I needed Beyoncé. I felt so stupid, why would I do this to myself? She trapped me, she had too, the way she spoke to me, the way she looked me so deeply in my eyes. I nutted in her, more than once, I never nut in people. My quick draw records are phenomenal, but when I was deep inside of that woman. I couldn't help but to aim and fire. She was a blessing and a curse.