Mend

𝑵𝒊𝒏𝒆𝒕𝒆𝒆𝒏

For someone who was eager to find out how my date with Alex would go, Ashley sure wasn't acting like it. I paced my living room with tense shoulders, hoping this time, she would answer her phone. My fourth call didn't even ring, it went straight to voicemail and I slumped onto the couch like a toddler who'd been denied sweets.

"Who goes to sleep so early?" I grumbled out loud, making note of the time. Ten thirty-seven.

I wondered if Alex was home yet. I wondered if he was thinking about our kiss as much as I was. Would he get into the house and immediately call a friend to blurt the words 'I kissed her!' like I would've done if Ashley had picked up? Would he go into a frenzied explanation of how dizzying it was to feel my lips on his as we crossed a dangerous line together?

I shrieked at the memory, my body sliding down the couch and onto the floor as my fingers traced the remnants of his lips on mine. I felt like a silly teenaged girl, having had her first kiss and not knowing what to do with herself. I knew I needed to get moving, get started with my night routine and try to sleep before twelve if I wanted to avoid having one of my nightmares sneak up on me.

Thanks to the routines Dr. Baloyi had helped me put in place, they weren't as frequent and as vivid anymore, and I liked to keep it that way, but I was overwhelmed by the butterflies swarming my belly, the warmth in my cheeks, the memory of Alex's heated stare before he brushed my cheek with his lips, the way he held my hand and looked at me like it would hurt him to have to drive away, the comfort that washed over me whenever he hugged my body against his.

"Ahh, Chey!" I groaned to myself, lightly slapping my burning cheeks. "One kiss can't have you acting like this. Come on!"

That was at least enough to get me moving. I stood and took my bag to my room with me. The kiss didn't leave my mind as I showered, dressed for bed, lit my relaxing candle and turned on my bedside lamp to journal before bed. I was slow and intentional as I made myself a cup of rooibos tea and settled against my pillows with my pen and journal.

With the kiss still swarming my consciousness, and my heart still thumping excitedly from the memory, I couldn't really muster too many words to write down, so I wrote one thing only. The only thing that I felt really mattered. The one thing I knew I'd be coming back to as I continued to learn, heal and grow.

Don't let fear take this too.

With my journal closed and back on the bedside table where I kept it, I reached for my phone, which I typically put on the other pillow for the nighttime devotion I'd incorporated into my routine to feed my spirit before bed, but it wasn't there. I remembered leaving it on the couch after trying to call Ashley and I internally complained about having to leave my bed again, but sticking to my routine was important to me, so I slipped my feet into my soft slippers and went back to the living room.

My heart turned into a bongo drum as soon as I unlocked my phone once I'd settled back against my pillow. Alex had texted me a few minutes earlier and I took a nervous breath before tapping the notification to see what he was saying.