The Girl with the Secrets

034: endless self-hatred

Tw: self harm (please if you go through it talk to anyone. You are loved<3)

I woke up in the Slammers, why was I in the Slammers?

"Hello? Is there someone?" My head hurt and I placed my hand on the place where it hurt. Blood, why was my head bleeding?

"Finally you're awake, I thought I killed you." A British voice appeared. I looked up into Newt's eyes which were filled with sadness and fear. "Newt what happened, let me out." I ordered.

"I can't."

"Why?"

"You tried to kill Minho, don't you remember?"

The previous night, I had this dream, and then- I shoot Minho. "No, it was a dream." My voice shook. "It's all a dream." I calmed myself. "This is not a dream."

"Can- Can I see him?"

"No."

"Please." I begged. "No." Newt opened the door gave me a plate, closed the door, and made his way. "Please Newt! I have to see him! I won't kill him!" I cried.

"How could I kill him?"

"Thomas warned me!" I talked to myself. That's it I officially turned into a psycho.

"How are you?" A male voice asked me after a while. "I turned around only to see Winston. "Go away!" I yelled.

"I don't want to kill you!"

"You're not gonna kill me."

"Why didn't you guys kill me that night?" I cried. Winston ignored me, opened the door, and came inside. I stumbled away from him.

"Go! I don't want to kill you!" I ordered. "Here it's your favorite, pancakes." He gave me a small plate. I took it out of his hands. "Now leave."

"No, I want to show you that you are not a murderer." He sat down. "Please leave me alone." I begged. "You are my best friend, I won't leave you alone!" He said.

I didn't like what I had to do but it was the only way to get him out. I jumped at the boy and pressed him to the ground, I held him by the neck and he couldn't breathe. He tried to free himself but he couldn't. Tears started streaming down, when someone pulled me away. I saw Newt helping Winston to get out and followed them with my eyes. And then the worst happened, Chuck saw me, his eyes were filled with fear and sadness. "I'm sorry." I mumbled.

"What is wrong with you." I recognized Gally's voice. I laughed at this. "Gally the hero came to save Winston from this slut Alisha." I turned around facing him. "What are you gonna do? Kill me? I would thank you." I laughed again.

"You lost your mind." I laughed again. "I know isn't it funny?" I joked. "Funny that you shoot Minho? Stabbed him?"  Gally punched my face and I fell back. I just laughed. Two other punches until someone stopped him. He kicked me into my torso and I fell together.

He then left the Slammer and closed the door. I coughed blood right after he was gone. My nose was also bleeding. I cried and caught blood until madness filled my body.

I was mad at myself for falling and trying to kill Minho. The man who was always on my side and made me laugh on my worst days.

I took both plates with food and threw it against the wall, on the plate which Newt brought was a glass which shattered when it hit the wall. I didn't think much and just took the biggest piece of glass and stabbed it into my stomach. I screamed the first time but shut quickly. I did it again and again until a hand stopped me. Teresa was here.
The prettiest girl came to see me, who was I? Just a psycho.

"Leave me, I don't want to hurt you."  She ignored me, took the glass and everything out, and cleaned it. "Why are you doing this? You barely know me? What if I escape or kill you?"

"But you didn't." She said while she was still cleaning. "Why?" She asked. "I am dangerous, I can't go out!" I yelled. "See you don't want to hurt us." She cleaned her hands outside and came into the Slammer again.

"Let me tell you Minho's pov." She started. "Chuck heard you screaming 'stop' so he tried to wake you up but he couldn't. He ran over to Minho because he knew Minho was the easiest to wake up. Minho rushed into your hut and found you sweating and screaming. He tried everything and then you woke up, but stabbed and shot him. Chuck went out to get help and Newt knocked you out. I came inside and saw you lying there with a wound on your head and Minho shot. Jeff and Clint helped him and everyone was happy because you failed and just shot his leg which was easy to carry. I was on Winston's side because he was crying. And then only Thomas, Minho, Winston, Chuck, and I stayed in the med-hut. Minho said he couldn't believe that you just missed the shot, he said you did that on purpose because you didn't want to kill him but WCKD wanted it. And we all believe him because we know that you are not like this." She stopped.

"Minho did everything that they wouldn't banish you. After all you did he- no we still are on your side."

I looked up at the Girl. "And now?" I coldly asked while my head was exploding. "I want you to accept that and believe in yourself."

"Just leave me alone Tessy."

"Cute." She chuckled. "Before you try to attack me listen. If you attack me they have to banish you, and trust me you don't want to, not when we are so close to leave the glade."

"What do you mean?" I wondered. "Thomas and Minho are running and Chuck said they will find an exit." She smiled. "I'm happy for you."

"We are going together." She took my hand and squeezed her hand into mine. "You asked me why I'm doing this and here's my answer. Because I want you to be my best friend like we used to be."

I looked into her eyes. "I remember us, we loved to play jokes on Thomas." She giggled. "What is happening." I cried and she hugged me. "I don't know, and I'm so sorry." She sobbed.

"I now will give you some time to be alone, use it to remind yourself that you would never kill him and that you were forced." She kissed me on my forehead and left the Slammer.

She left food in a sack but I just threw it out and sat in a corner. No Teresa was wrong, I should punish myself.

I was sitting there for hours and crying until Winston interrupted me. "What are you doing here? I barely killed you."

"I saw it in your eyes, you didn't want to kill me, you just did it so I would leave." He explained. That boy was smart as shuck.

"I just want you to eat."

"And I don't want to."

"Turn around."

"No."

A sign. "Please."

"Shut up!" I yelled.

I ignored the rest he said and just sat there and did nothing. "Shut up Newt." I said to the British boy turning me around. "Hobey-"

"Shut up." I pushed him away from me, of course, he also brought food. "I didn't deserve that!"

After a while, he left and I just cried quietly. I came back to reality when it already was dark, I heard Gladers scream and looked at my hands, luckily there was no blood so that meant I didn't kill anyone.

My head hurt and I was about to pass out because I didn't eat or drink anything but I took my last strength that I had and crawled over to the door.

I looked out and saw the doors to the maze, they were open. And Grievers were killing people. I shook back when a figure appeared before me. I lost air but I was ready to die.

Sadly not today, it was Minho who came inside and carried me up. And then again everything turned black.