Summer arrives, and with it the endless nights going to the beach, admiring the beauty of the ocean dancing with the music that blasted through his headphones. The dark sky being illuminated by a hole of light.
Minho needed to clear his head, trying...
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Chapter ten: I need you, why?
☆ﾟ.*･｡ﾟ
The air is cold.
Is it?
I'm not sure, the only thing that I can certainly feel is how my bones are shaking like jelly, in spite of being summer.
Loneliness is eating me alive. My head, my thoughts are just endless circles that kills my soul second by second. My fingers are just the blades of a razor that I'm too afraid to grab. They cut my flesh open at night when the voices get too loud, when I hear him screaming my name, when everything starts to drawn me, when I'm oxygen deprived.
When everything is too much to bear, my fingers do what razors should. Because I'm a coward.
Right, Jisung? I'm such a coward.
"Morning" My mom greets looking at her phone.
I don't reply.
Over the years I've come to understand that they don't care about me. I could kill myself tomorrow and it'd go unnoticed by my parents.
It's the weekend so I'm not supposed to work today, although I'd love to. It distracts my mind, takes away the bad thoughts, deletes the need to hurt myself.
Also, Chan is a nice guy.
I don't want attention, I don't want people asking me if I'm okay, I don't want someone to be there for me, I just don't. But with him everything is different, because he looks at me with those warm eyes, with a welcoming and understanding stare, and all I want to do when my orbs crash with his, is go jump into his arms and cry like the damn baby I am.
It's just that Chan has this stare. He cares, I know he does.
I miss Jisung.
It's been a week since the incident and I can't bring myself to go to the beach, to that right spot under the moon's gaze, where I know that he's waiting for me.
I can't. I just can't.
I am selfish. Due to the fact that even after the way that I yelled at him in his own house I still want to see him. Isn't unfair? Isn't it disgusting?
Aren't I disgusting?
But still after all those thoughts that my mind won't stop repeating like a broken record, I need him.
I don't know why. Maybe is the way he talks, or the way his eyes sparkle when he stare collides with the moon...
I'm not sure, there's a void in my heart that is sucking all the light that's left in me. Painfully slow, not making any noise.
And sometimes it makes me o wonder if there's really any life left in me. I don't wanna be depressed forever. I don't want to push people away from me.
Hence, I walk tiredly to the shore. The moisturized sand getting in-between my toes. I don't sit down, I just stare at the infinity of the waves, of the sky, of the wind. How the breeze kisses my skin, how the water embraces my feet, how the salt is stuck in my nose, how the starts are taking off their mantle and how the moon starts to appear, hugging my body with its rays.
I close my eyes.
"Minho! Help me!"
I force them open again and watch the waves crush with each other.
My heart is racing when my pants start wetting.
"Hey, stranger!"
I jump and fall back in my butt, splashing some water and getting some sand on my soaked clothes.
"Oh my God, are you okay? I didn't mean to scare you" Jisung comes rushing to me, not caring about his pants getting all wet or his feet and knees getting painted by the sand.
I look up at him.
His eyes. The moon. Him.
"Hi" I whisper.
He stares at me and gets the hair out if my forehead and eyes. I should cut it off a bit.
"Hey" he says back, not bothering on standing up and allowing the salty waves to soak the rest of his body.
"Jisung I'm-"
"Don't be" he cuts me off.
"I want to apologize" I reply.
"There's not need" he simply states.
He's so stubborn.
"But i want to. What I said was wrong and-"
"What you said was the truth. Besides, I shouldn't have called you a coward"
I look down.
"But I am one"
"Maybe, but still"
I chuckle lightly and he smiles. I can't see it, but I sense it.
"Jisung, you are my friend" I assure to him when the silence is too loud and long.
I feel like the oxygen is not entering my lungs.
"You're my friend too"
And something moves inside of me. That void, that darkness. It aches, it stings. The light is too strong, this is too much.
I can't talk again.
I'm his friends. My chest is burning.
My eyes close and a smile creeps onto my face.
"I'm Minho, by the way" my voice comes off as a broken whisper that not even my ears can catch.
"Cute name for a cute person"
Not this again. Now the burning in my chest spreads and I can feel my cheeks and ears heating up.
"You're stupid" I complain, hiding my face in my hands.
