Wayward Wolf - Completed

Chasing Shadows

Chapter 13 - Chasing Shadows

~Alexis POV~

I woke up in darkness, just like I fell asleep in darkness.

Sitting up in my bed I realized that I was still in my jeans and top. Not very comfortable to sleep in but I've had worse I guess. I slowly got up from my bed and walked over to my drawers. Looking at the clock I saw that it was noon. I shrugged. What did I care? It was Saturday. 

I took off my jeans and top and got dressed in black pajama shorts and a lose white t shirt. I kicked my clothes to the side and left them there. Then I walked back to bed. I was still feeling exhausted. Crying has that effect on me.

Walking back to my bed I paused. I smelled something nice...familiar. 

Mason. 

I walked a little closer to my door, following the scent. It was too strong to just be lingering from the other day. Looking closer at the bottom of my door I saw a shadow move. Was Mason sitting outside my door? What else could account for his scent being so strong?

I gulped, reaching out to grab the door handle then pulling away. I hesitated again, but pulled away again. 

I couldn't deal with him right now. It would hurt too much. He just didn't get it. He didn't understand. And, I suppose that's my own fault for not explaining to him. But I just can't be near him right now because my heart hurts every time I look at him - knowing that I can't have him right now. 

This pain I feel, this darkness inside of me, it's holding me back. I know now that it's the only explanation. I thought my problem was that I didn't know who I was. That I was trying to recreate myself into a new person. 

But last night opened my eyes. It's not that I don't know who I am, it's that I do - and I don't like it.

I know exactly who I am. I'm my father's daughter, and I hate myself for it. 

Tell me, how am I supposed to live with myself, look at myself in the mirror when all I see is him when I do? All I feel is all that pain, the scars.

And yet, all that I was prepared to live with. I could live with it. 

What I can't live with, though, is that...after everything he's done to me...I still love him. Through all the pain and torture, somehow love leaked through.

He's my father. My flesh and blood. And he's evil. How can I love that? And, more importantly, if I'm able to love someone so evil, how can I trust myself? Knowing that all logic goes against my feelings, how can I trust anything that I feel anymore?

I can't trust what I doubt. And right now I doubt myself.

The shadow beneath the door moved again and I heard a faint grunt.

I placed my hand on the wood door, as if I was touching his hand on the other side. I closed my eyes and pictured his angel face smiling down at me, telling me that everything was going to be alright. Then I opened my eyes and the paradise slipped away.

I sighed and walked back to my bed. I crawled under the sheets again, still in the pitch black. I looked up at the wolf painting at the foot of my bed.

I smiled sheepishly at it and, for the slightest moment, I swear it howled out to me. "I'm sorry," I whispered so that only I could hear. 

Then I shut my eyes and drifted back to sleep, feeling just as empty as when I woke.

~Mason POV~

She was awake.

I stood up and reached for the doorknob, but I hesitated. Would she want to see me right now? Should I get her brother instead?