Alex

Am I Better Off

     I was sitting at a patio table outside of Panera waiting on Katie. The afternoon sun was bright but I was sitting in the shade, enjoying the warm breeze lifting my hair up. I closed my eyes for a moment, recalling how I got home last night. I remember going back into the club with Josh, finding Alex and dancing some more. I remember meeting up with everyone, including Joe outside the club. Mike was smoking, but I didn't see Sam anywhere. Alex and I were pretty drunk and were going to walk home but Josh said he would take us home? Or had Joe said that? My phone buzzed, snapping me out of my memories. I hope you got home okay last night, I wish you would have let me take you. It was Joe. Flashes of him and I arguing again flashed before me. He wanted to take me and Alex but I said I didn't think it was a good idea, that's when Josh offered. I stared at the message when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I jumped. "Shit Mia, I didn't mean to scare you." Katie giggled a little, taking the seat across from me. "No, that's okay. I was just lost in thought." I turned my screen off and looked at Katie.

     "So, tell me what's really going on Mia. I know this Joe thing isn't as easy as you want people to believe...I think we all caught a glimpse of that last night." Katie sat her sunglasses on the table, patiently waiting for me to start. "You're right...it's literally tearing me to pieces to see him and I feel awful about it." I put my head in my hands, trying not to cry. "Oh Mia, why? Why do you feel so bad for still having feelings for Joe?" "Because." I snapped back at her but she sat calmly, waiting for me to say more. "Because of what he did to me, because I'm a strong independent woman and I feel like every girl I hate for still wanting him after he left...because I have Alex and how fair is it to him?" I stared at her, her expression unreadable. "Do you think that's the real reason?" she asked. "That I feel bad for Alex?" "Yeah, because from the outside looking in I know you know it doesn't make you any less strong for wanting Joe even though he left. Because even though he did leave, he came back. And he's trying to make it up to you, because you understand why he did what he did and while it was not the way to handle the situation you get it. And not a single woman on the planet would look down on you for taking a man that looked and dressed liked that back Mia. I think you've already forgiven him and if it weren't for Alex you would be with Joe right now, working this entire situation out." the words fell out of her mouth so calmly but I wasn't shocked by anything she was saying. Because I think I knew it was true.

     I sat in the ambiance of her words. "Mia, I don't want to come off in any way, or make you mad...but do you really think Alex isn't sleeping with other women?" Katie put her hand on top of mine now. I stared at her, soaking in her words. "I don't know Katie, I don't even know if I care about that. He really is my best friend, I don't want to ruin that." "Well I think that's your answer to everything right there." "Katie, things are simple with Alex. I know it isn't a forever type of thing, but that's why I like it. I don't have to think around him, everything comes easy it's nice and fun..." "But with Joe..." "With Joe everything is complicated. His past, our feelings. I mean the second he enters the same room as me every feeling I have swarms inside of me and I feel insane. It's difficult with him, it's hard to be around him. Even before he left it was hard to be around him, I mean I loved being with him. It was a different kind of friendship than I've ever had, a different kind of attraction. But that's what I mean, my attraction to him, both physical and emotional was hard to convey and hard for myself to even understand. Everything is so much harder with Joe." I listened to myself spill my guts to Katie, I wasn't even sure I'd confessed these things to myself. "Mia." Katie grabbed my attention. "Katie, I don't need or want anything that even resembles forever right now. Not after Jason, and then Joe leaving. I'm not ready yet." "Mia, who said that you and Joe have to be forever?" she stared at me but I wasn't sure how to answer. No one said we would last forever, I never even thought about being with Joe in the future and he'd never mentioned anything about wanting a long term relationship. It was just another unspoken thing between us, part of our attraction. "Mia it doesn't have to be forever, but obviously Joe is supposed to have a part in your life." "So is Alex Katie, and why is that obvious when it's so difficult with him?" "Because Mia nothing worth fighting for and worth having in life is easy. The good things, the really good things in life are what you have to fight for everyday, whatever that may mean." Katie said, speaking straight to my soul. When did she get so wise. "I just don't think I'm strong enough to fight right now." I felt the tears coming now but I pushed them back, quickly wiping the corners of my eyes. "Mia you are so strong, I know you know that. You just don't want to fight right now, and that's okay. It's okay to take a break and push pause, but you can't expect people...and I mean Joe...to still be waiting when you decide you can fight again." she smiled weakly at me, standing up. "I'm going to order okay, I'll be right back." she patted my shoulder and disappeared inside, leaving me feeling even more awful than before.